.:Friday, July 30, 2004:.
A lot of confusion, a lot of pain alhamdulilah..
I’ve been feeling a lot of confusion lately. About who I am and who I was and what I want. Ya’ani I don’t feel the same anymore? I don’t know if that makes any sense. I just don’t feel I am the same person I was a few months ago. I don’t feel I act the same, or anything.. subhanAllah. I just feel so different. I'm not sure if others see me as different or not.. Allahu ‘aalam.. but I don’t feel that I am the same person I once was.. and I'm not sure if I like the change. I used to be so care free so happy.. I’d always smile no matter what.. I remember khala Dalia once was like (to my mom) “wallah she can get me as mad as she wants.. but as soon as she smiles, khalaas I forgive her” and its not just that, its everything about me.. it doesn’t seem the same :/ It seems like fake.. I dunnu subhanAllah I'm confused..
The other day my mom asked me to go over some papers for her couse I'm faster in English than her. And one of the papers was about my dad.. not my baba, but my birth dad.. and I just like looked at the papers, which had the most info I ever knew bout him on it, and started crying. I was like what if I was living with him? how would my life be and stuff.. then I was like what the.. why am I crying about a dude who don’t give about me. who left his wife 7 months pregnant, found out he had a kid but did he care? no.
ufff I don’t even know why I mentioned that.. I guess its just like one of the times were I wished my life was different.. but why, Its not that bad alhamdulilah... Alhamdulilah ‘ala kulli haal.. I am probably going through one of the most stressful times in my life. There is so much going on in my life. Some of the stuff: With my immediate family, there is like problems with my parents, fear of my mom having to leave the states (aka deportation), legal issues and a bunch of other stuff. with my extended family, my grandma just about living in the hospital (dads mom, my moms mom already passed away earlier this year, some of you might remember my mom was traveling and I had to call her and tell her.. wallah there is nothing harder than doing that), my cousins throwing away their lives, my uncle and all the stuff he's going through. Then there are every day stresses of school, home, moving. There are the stresses of my friends, and other emotional stresses that some of you know about. With everything going on in my life, I just keep adding more things onto myself. For some stupid reason. Ya Allah..
I have always gone through a lot of hard times in my life, always had to live older than my age for many reasons. I’ve always had to much responsibility and stuff. but I have always been able to deal with it alhamdulilah. Always been able to stay strong, both emotional and physically. But this time I’m not. I’m just breaking down. I’ve been wondering about it for a while, about why I'm not as strong this time. A few days ago I was reading some convo’s I had saved and I found an offline from someone that pasted this quote of Ibn Al Qayyim (I later read it again in an article, inshaAllah I’ll post the link at the end of this) :-
”Verily the life of man is in the life of his heart and his soul. And there is no life in the heart except by knowing its creator, having love for him, worshipping him solely, turning to him in times of need, and seeking tranquility with His remembrance. And he who loses this life has lost all good. Even if he attempts to substitute (this loss) with all that is in the world. For verily not even all of the world together would be able to replace this life. And verily for everything that a slave loses there is a substitute, but the one who loses Allah will never find anything to replace Him.? “
Reading that made me think. I was submersing myself in my problems, I forgot to say Alhamdulilah for the good in my life. For all the khair that I have. Instead of doing everything I had planned this summer (for example, finishing my hifdh) I forgot it all and made my self more depressed. Kept telling myself that I was going through to much. I forgot to turn to Allah swt with my problems, and ask him for his help. I forgot to be thankful and remember Allah swt in hard times. And that caused what has happened to me.
Alhamdulilah ‘ala kulli haal. No matter what I am going through, there is someone going through worse. No matter how much pain I'm going through, there is someone going through more pain. No matter how hurt I am, someone is more hurt. No matter stressed I feel someone is more stressed. And no matter how many problems I have, someone has more.
Even though things can never be the same, even though I might be hurting, and even though I might be stressed more than I can handle, there is so much good in my life. So inshaAllah this is going to be my last sad post (ehm I said inshaAllah so ya its no guarantee). I wanna go back to the way I was. Things might not go back to how they were but I can try to be how I was. InshaAllah go back to my hifdh, go back to my goals. Don’t let all this stop me. I have always know what I wanted to do in life, what I wanted to be, and inshaAllah I wanna work towards that still.
Khair I am still so confused :( I need advice I think.. ya'ani I dunnu.. khair inshaAllah.. I'm going to be moving and stuff so I might not post for a while.. oh the link I promised.. the articles really nice mashaAllah.. good reminders.. I've read it a few times..
http://www.a2youth.com/islam/articles/life/article001.html
chotu-meyeh
@ 7/30/2004 03:18:00 PM
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