.:Sunday, August 27, 2006:.
somewhere..
I've never been one to watch movies and I don't think I've ever watched a movie more than twice, except for maybe the lion king. That is until today. I watched "A Cinderella Story" for the third time today. Now before I get labled a total psycho let me try to explain why.
The story revolves around the life of a 17 year old girl. She's lost both parents and lives with her stepmother now. She works hard, in school, at home, in life. She works hard because it distracts her from her problems and eventualy it will be a way out for her. She's graduating a year early and plans on heading away to college..as far away from "home" as possible.
The girl is a social outcast even though she is beautiful, smart, and funny. I think its more her fault though. She hides. Because of how she grew up she doesnt feel like shes worth much. Then she meets a friend who changes her world. For the first time in her life she feels important, wanted, and special to someone. She finds someone that actually understands her and likes her for who she is. She couldnt be happier until she finds out that the guy is the star football player and the most popular guy in school. He has everything a person could want. Friends, fame, and what seems like happiness. But he's not totally happy..there is something missing in his life and she fills that void for him.
So, whats the problem? She doesnt feel like she fits in his world and thinks she'd be doing him a favor if she just disapeared. She also decides to stand up to her stepmother and go for what she wants for the first time in her life. He cant seem to find a way to fit his old world (popularity, football, his fathers dreams) and the world he wants (to be with her and go to college) together. She tells him that the things he has to do cant be harder than what she had to go through. Finally, he stands up to his dad and gets the best of both worlds and they live happily ever after.
Yes, total chic flick. But I like it and I usualy dont like movies.
Anyways, I've been looking for a document I need to straighten out my college stuff. I've spent the whole day looking for it and I cant find it. I found a bunch of other stuff though. One of the things I found was lyrics to a song from Fival (cartoon movie). I used to sing it sometimes and my sister always said I sang it wrong.. so one day she decided to prove herself right so she printed them out.. and we sang it together and recorded it on my phone. Memories suck in a really awesome way. They also make you gain weight! So far the damage they've done to me today: 3 or 4 big chocolate chip cookies and an ice cream bar.
anyways, these are the lyrics.. pretty sweet..
Fv: Somewhere out there,
beneath the pale moonlight,
someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight.
Ty: Somewhere out there,
someone's saying a prayer,
that we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there.
Ty: And even though I know how very far apart we are,
it helps to think we might be looking up at the same bright star.
Fv: And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby,
it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.
Together: Somewhere out there,
if love can see us through,
then we'll be together, somewhere out there,
out where dreams come true.
oh and lastly.. something I read today that made me feel good:
Jannah
chotu-meyeh
@ 8/27/2006 09:30:00 PM
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have you ever....
Life bites.. A friend of mine had that next to her MSN name for a few weeks. Every time I read it I'd roll my eyes and smile, thinking of how a summer full of organic chemistry classes can drive just about anyone crazy. But the more I think of that phrase now the more it makes sense to me. Not only that, I actually feel it. Life bites..and when it bites it leavs a scar.
There are things that happen in life that leave you "bitten". The severity of the bite depends on how fortunate you are and how strong you are to fight it. Sometimes you never heal from it..kinda like a poisonus bite that will always leave you with a trace of poison in your system. Eventually, though, the wound will start to heal. Sometimes there will be a scar that people can notice for a while but then it either goes away or they stop noticing. Sometimes you'll forget about it as well. But if it was strong enough and if it hurt enough you probably will always look at that scar and remember how and where you got it.
I have quite a few scars. There's the one I got when I was 6 and fell off of a bike into a ditch. Theres the one I got 5 years ago when I was in San Diego and went to Mission Bay with my dad, his cousin and her family. There are the burn scar I have from a couple summers back when we had the girls halaqahs. And then I have life scars.. Like feeling abandoned and wondering what might've, would've or could've been. Like losing a best friend because of someones jealousy. Like being betrayed and losing trust in people.
All these scars are a part of who I am today. Even though it's been hard sometimes and even though it hurted like hell sometimes I think I've done well alhamdulillah. I've grown stronger..both physicaly and in the deeper, non-pyshical, way.
Now, the thing is (and yes this is the point I've been leading up to), I see this blow that's coming really soon and I know it will leave a scar..a scar that will last my whole life..a really bitter-sweet scar. I dont know if I can handle this scar. I really think it might be to much for me. This scar that I'm talking about is this summer coming to the end. It's bitter-sweet because I've had some amazing days. Amazing yet absolutly horrible and hard. It would of been all worth it and I wouldnt classify the end of this summer as a "scar" if I had reached the goal I was working towards. But I didn't and now...its time for me to go back home..back to reality.
This brings me to my next thought. Have you ever wanted something so bad that you didn't mind risking everything you have for it? That you became selfish for the first time in your life and thought of only yourself? And then once that thing slips away you realize what you've done and how now you need to put just as much energy into fixing the mess you made as you did into messing things up.
I'm not in anyway saying that this summer was a mistake or that fighting for what I wanted was wrong and I know if I was given the chance to go back and do things differently I wouldnt. This summer has been amazing and I have some of the most amazing memories from it. Maybe even some of the best times of my life. All I'm saying is it hurts.
Yes, I'm admitting it (I guess there's a first time for everything, eh?). I'm hurting. And I'm angry. And I feel let down. As far as why I'm hurting..well its no ones business but at least I know why. I just wish I was as clear on who/what I'm angry at and who I feel let down by. I know I'm angry at myself and I feel like I've let others down but the rest is a blurr. I'm just mad at everyone.
At the end of the day its all in the hands of Allah (swt). It's all writen. It's all our qadar. I know that and I accept that. InshaAllah there is good in all that happens and all that has happened. And I know that inshaAllah I'll be alright..its just going to take some time to get used to the scar.
chotu-meyeh
@ 8/27/2006 07:37:00 PM
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.:Sunday, August 06, 2006:.
little kids <3
I know I haven't updated in ages. Alot has happened and alot has changed since my last post but I'm not planning on talking about it. I'm posting because something really touched me today and I don't have anyone to share it with right now =P.
I've had pretty bad depression for the past few weeks. I think all that has happened this summer is starting to get to me. I was handling it alright until my uncle, wife, and her girls started staying here. That added more stress and most of all it caused me to constantly supress my feelings and emotions. So basicly im just exhausted..mentaly, physically, emotionally.. What most people see from me is a front. But today I really really did smile and I was truly happy and ya I was happy, walhamduillah.
I'm taking a seminar on the authority of the sunnah and the methodology of hadeeth at ICSD. Alhamdulillah the lectures are nice. During the second half of the day today I couldn't stay focused so I volunteered to do the babysitting. That was the BEST thing I could have done.
There were 4 boys ages 5, 4, 3, and 1 and half or 2 and a 2 year old girl. The two older boys, Ziyaad and Abdullah, were adorable mashaAllah. If you want them to sit down all you have to do is tell them stories of the prophets. They race each other to be the first to recite a surah you ask them to. When it came time to clean up neither one complained and both pitched in. If you give them something they recite in unison (with the 3 year old, zayd, after them) "Jazaakillahu khairan!!". As far as the 3 year old, he was the troublesome one. Always climbing things and refusing to take a nap. But he still listened and followed the older ones. The girl, Aminah, was a sweety and didn't give me much trouble. The littlest boy was the one that made me the happiest. He really missed his mom and would go to the door and start to cry until I picked him then he'd put his head on my shoulder and hold me really tight and cry for a minute or so then look up at me and smile. He fell asleep in my arms and I sat there while telling the kids a story and holding him and I felt so happy.. I can't explain why but it just gave me the biggest smile ever.. me wants a baby =P. I have to say the cutest moments were when the kids would speak to me in bengali and expect me to know what they were saying.
I can't explain why I love kids so much. If I had to chose my favorite thing in this dunyah, after the people I love, it would be children. The way they are so innocent and loving.. it just melts my heart. I miss the kids I used to teach back home :(
Speaking of home.. I miss home. I never thought I'd miss it or the people there this much. I miss my mom. I miss my sister. I miss my room and space. I miss my friends. I miss my khalas. I miss my brother. I miss my school (yes, I actually do). I miss the simple life there. Don't get me wrong, I've had some good times here in San Diego and I have some amazing friends here but its just not.. I dont know.. its just not what I want.
I wish life was simple.
and ya, I'll just end off on that note.
chotu-meyeh
@ 8/06/2006 09:23:00 PM
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