.:Saturday, September 24, 2005:.
bleh

I'm in bad mood. like really bad mood. That is
probably why I'm updating. Its a common trend. When
I'm good I dont update as soon as I start feeling this
way I do. Who cares, its my blog I can do what I want.

I really don't know why I'm like this. Things have
been ok.. I've had a sorta bad day today and the day
before but other than that things have been good.

School starts monday. I'm already sick of it and it
hasnt even started yet. HS was so much easier than
this man.. get a list of classes, pick some.. go to
school library and get the books...start class. I've
had to go back and forth to benton center and albany
like 2323 times and everything isnt ready yet. I'm
supposed to email 3 teachers today and I just dont
want to. I'm sick of it.

You know what else I'm sick of? users. Two situations
now that are bothering me. I may have started one of
them.. annoyed the other person first, even if I only
meant to do good, so I wont complain about that. I
will complain about the other though. It seems like
every time you think someone is for real they turn out
not to be. When they need a shoulder to cry, someone
to listen to their problems and be there for them they
know where to find you.. as soon as the need is over
it turns into
Assalaamu 'alaikum!
wa 'alaykum assalaam
how are you??
alhamdulillah.

not even a how about you.. how annoying.

Another think I'm annoyed with is myself. I keep
taking out my bad mood on people that really dont
deserve it... and then later on I feel bad about it
:(. That makes me in more of a bad mood..

My uncle came back the other day.. He said he had a
good time. He might have to go back soon, if he does
I'm going inshaAllah.. I could care less about school
and all.. we just got a pakage from him.. my aunts
sent some things with him.. I never can understand the
reasoning behind sending spices and stuff.. like lots
of it.. when we can get them here :/..

Anyways.. I dont want to rant more :/ I've done that
way to much already..

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chotu-meyeh @ 9/24/2005 03:45:00 PM #|

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.:Saturday, September 17, 2005:.

justtt rememberrr

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose

^^ my favorite part of a song yasssi sang for me. I
have it saved and keep listening to it over. I love my
meena. (L)

I've had a pretty good few days alhamdulillah.
Yasmeena and I have had a few really deep
conversations that really got me thinking. I think
I've finally come to an understanding about something.
And maybe, just maybe, I'll take action in it. But
yea, I'll save the talk about it for another day.

School starts in 9 days!!! I'm half excited half not.
I haven't been off school for to long, just a couple
months, but it seems like forever. I haven't
registered for any of my classes yet. Why? because I
scored to low on the math placment so I couldnt get
into the math class I wanted. If I dont place into it
on monday its going to cause problems for me. I was
counting on this math class for 5 credits, now I have
to rethink my schedule. InshaAllah I'll place in.
PLEASE make duaa' for me. NO ONE I know ever placed
into this class, they all had to take at least one
class before, even though they took 4 years of math in
HS. :(. I think this exam is rigged! Seriously.

I was looking at cell phone prices earlier. InshaAllah
I'll be getting one soon. I can get a nicee phone for
free inshaAllah, no matter what company I go with, but
the plan prices are so expensive man. I've always been
a Verizon fan, but now their prices are crazy. I think
I'm going to go with T-Mobile. $30 a month. Its the
cheapest and it has cheap over-seas txting... I need
to get my laptop soon man :/. I need it before I start
school.. but I'm waiting for my check from the school
before I order anything..

My mom and sis are out with khala Aisha. Those two
like going out to much man. I was out with them
earlier today getting "school supplies". I bought
notebooks... One of them is a small, not standard,
size 3 subject notebook. Its nice. I'm turning it into
a cookbook. I've been wanting to start one for a while
now because I can never find the recipe I'm looking
for. Most of my recipes are written on pieces of paper
all over my room. I got another notebook that I'm
going to use for another project as well inshaAllah.
I'll work on both as soon as I finish this update and
emailing khala Dalia(imams wife).

Last week my mom asked me to send some homeschooling
link to a few people, one of them was khala Dalia.
Yesterday at the masjid I said salaams to her and she
goes "WHAT KIND OF EMAIL IS THAT?? One line? no how
are you? I miss you? just salaams here is the link?"
she went on for a while about it :/ so I promised to
email her a PROPER email last night.. ofcourse I havnt
till now. I've gotten bad with emails.. dont reply for
days. Anyways, I have to email her now. I sorta owe
her it. Long story, so I wont mention it.

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chotu-meyeh @ 9/17/2005 04:44:00 PM #|

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.:Wednesday, September 14, 2005:.

and I miss..

I never knew I could miss this much... I've missed,
and I continue to miss, alot. Never has it been this
deep before. I wish I could explain, but I cant. It's
something beyond words. A feeling. I've been having
one to many of those lately. alhamdulillah 'ala kulli
haal.

I've had an ok day alhamdulillah. I took the CPT's.
They weren't that hard. I did good on two of them, but
really messed up in math. InshaAllah I'll be taking a
retake on Monday. I've always done well in math,
although I don't like it anymore, so I was a bit
shocked that I didn't place good.

I'm reading this book, "Daughters of another path".
Its written by a Christian lady who is very active in
the church. Her daughter accepted Islam, so she wrote
about the experiance and how it was "life changing"
for the whole family. She also writes about the
stories of 53 other muslimahs. So far there is no
Islam bashing, or mis-information. Pretty good read.
I've been doing to much "book hopping" lately, I need
to stick to one book and finish it...

'ala kulli haal, its close to maghrib.

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chotu-meyeh @ 9/14/2005 07:25:00 PM #|

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sleepy..

I was up late studying last night. I'm sleepy now. I
have the cpt's at 11. The lady told me it would be
about an hour for each one. That means I probably wont
be done till around 2. Great, 10:30-2:30 wasted :P.

Things have been good alhamdulillah. I really do feel
good, no fronts. Like I had said before, when things
at home are good I can cope with everything else, but
when they get bad then I cant. InshaAllah it lasts a
while this time..

Its almost amazing to me how much I've cut down on my
net time. The main reason I come on now adays is to
read and reply to emails. My communication with a few
people I care about has become an email one, due to
various reasons. Its not that bad though.
Alhamdulillah, I like it. When you get up in the
morning and its like ":O stuckoo(for example) emailed
yaaay" .. it really makes my day. so Alhamdulillah.

Anyways, its 9:30. I need to eat something, study a
little bit more, adn get ready to leave inshaAllah.

OH! Almost forgot, I got my permit!!!!!!!!! I passed
easily this time alhamdulillah. There was one thing
that sort of ticked me off though. The one that did
the testing and all for me was this really annoying
lady, but at least she was a lady. After that the one
that helped me with the paper work, picture taking,
and card issuing was the guy that helped me out last
time. One of the most polite and nice people I've
seen. I'd say he was like 27 or so. ANYWAYS, point of
story. You cant take picture with niqaab anymore
right? So I took niqaab off for the picture, and like
its not enought that I'm standing there infront of him
without it.. when the picture comes out on the card he
STARES at it for a good 30 seconds, then calls me over
to get it. He pronounced my name right :P. Probably
couse he wasnt american.

okk now for reals am out.

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chotu-meyeh @ 9/14/2005 09:36:00 AM #|

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.:Tuesday, September 13, 2005:.

uff

I wrote an update. Yahoo mail ruined it. I'm to tired
and cant be bothered writting it again.

Football this week:

College

Beavs won!!!! They beat boise state.
UofO Duckies; Rival school, who cares I didnt even
check :P

Pro

Detroit: WON! yeaaa
Seattle: lost :(. do all seattle teams have to suck?
San Fransisco: wonnn!!!

Yes I'm a homer. I didnt check the CHS and CVHS scores
though... but I'll check them now :P.. hmm I can only
find CHS score, they lost.. and I'm guessing CV lost
too. eh, who cares.

Thats it, I'll write something worth reading, or maybe
not worth reading but at least better than this,
tommorrow inshaAllah.

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chotu-meyeh @ 9/13/2005 12:27:00 AM #|

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.:Sunday, September 11, 2005:.

okkk

Okay, I suppose this update is a little overdue. I'm
sorry! I'm updating now, so you can stop the death
threats. sheesh.

What have I done the past few days? I wish I knew.
Time just flies by, without me having finished half of
what I want to do. Alhamdulillah I've done alot, but I
still have alot to do. I really dont think I'll be
updating this much anymore. I thought of finally
ending my blogging career but then decided against
that. I'm not sure what it is about blogging that I
like, but I do like it... so it'll stay, inshaAllah,
for a while more at least.

InshaAllah tommorrow I have my CPT tests. I have
studying to do tonight inshaAllah, so I'll be up sort
of late. I've been trying to sleep earlier now so I
can get up earlier, I've been doing good with the
sleeping early part but not the waking up early part
:P.

My msn is reallllly bothering me right now. My whole
computer is actually..

ok update later, have to go



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chotu-meyeh @ 9/11/2005 10:11:00 PM #|

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.:Friday, September 09, 2005:.

updatee

I got up maaad late today, like 12. I didnt stay up to
late last night a litle after midnight... but I was
really sleepy. Alhamdulillah I feel good.

I havent updated in a while, :O. At least not as much
as I usually do. I havent really been up to much. Just
sorting out some things, getting ready for uni and
all.

A couple days ago I was at khala Aisha's and she
showed me a couple albums of her when she was
younger.. I was like :O I cant believe thats you!!!
ya'ani, now shes niqaabish, haafidha mashaAllah etc
and in the pictures shes in bell bottom pants without
hijab.. While we were there my mom goes "believe it or
not, but I have some pictures like those as well, next
time khala Aisha comes over I'll show you".

So yesterday she came over and my mom brought out
pictures. I wasnt as shocked with my moms since well
they werent as shocking as khala Aishas. Hers were
"normal" if that makes any sense. The most shocking
thing was when in one of the pictures of me and a
little boy about my age my mom points to him and goes
"thats my son" and I go "WHAT" and she goes "thats
your brother, zakariyyah" and I go "WHAT". and she
goes on to tell me how hes my brother from
breastfeeding... awesomensss.

anyways, its dhuhr time so my mom wants me offline..

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chotu-meyeh @ 9/09/2005 01:16:00 PM #|

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.:Thursday, September 08, 2005:.

doneee

I'm really really really sleepy right now and I've had
a somewhat long day, so this post probably wont make
all that much sense. It took me like four tries to
type in the right address so I could post :/.

I got up somewhat early today... I didnt come online
though, I had alot of things I wanted to take care of.
I hate it when you reallly need to talk to someone,
and you keep calling and calling, and leaving voicmail
after voicmail and you never end up talking to them.
Thats sorta how my morning went.

After spending a longish while on that I went
downstairs to see what mom needed.. cleaned kitchen
and stuff then took a shower and sat to enjoy my
breakfast :P. esspresso ice cream.. yumm. My sister
can be annoying at times, I was begging her for
computer and she wont give me it :(. after a while she
gave in alhamdulillah.

Early afternoon I spent online speaking to some people
and finishing up my FAFSA. I am DONE with that
alhamdulillah. You have no idea how happy I am to have
finished it..

Late afternoon was errand running. Finished alot
alhamdulillah. Got my passport updated.. failed my
permit test. Please no comments on that. I hadnt
studied, and I failed by one question. Now I have to
suck up to my mom tommorrow to take me again tommorrow
to, inshaAllah, get it. Finished up applications with
the uni, now I just have to register for classes.
Whent to the library to pick up holds, only to find
out that they were off hold! And a few more things..

When we got home I cooked with mom and stuff. I was
so hyper, like I couldnt stand still at all. My mom
made me drink two cups of milk hoping it would calm me
down a bit.. and I listened and drank them because I'm
sucking up to her. Yea, I dont like milk. Anddd I
spent the night talking to my mom. Interesting day,
eh?

My mom sent in some papers to UmmulQuraa today. nah,
not mine, but hers. When she spoke to one of my aunts,
the second youngest after her, who is also phd in
nursing etc.. the other day, she told her againnn how
my moms sisters want her with them. They're four, my
mom being the oldest. Anywaays, if my mom goes back to
egypt she has to work in mixed college for like 3
years because of some law, and she doesnt want to. So
my aunt was like "fine go to Saudia, Majeedah (other
aunt) is there and you would be closer to us". And she
told my mom how the heads of nursing department in
unis in makkah, jeddah, riyad, dammam, and some other
places were all either my moms friends, teachers or
students from Alexandria.. and told my mom to send in
certain documents to certain places.. and yea, my mom
is listening to her..

Had I not been this tired I would talk about what I
think of moving there, what I think the chances are,
and some other things.. but I'll save that for another
day inshaAllah.

Two people that are really dear to me are on flights
now. May Allah swt keep them safe and grant them and
easy journey.. and may He keep them forever happy and
content...aameen.. I would soooo like to be in one of
the places they're heading to.. maybe not to live
forever, but at least as a visit.

*sigh.. I wanna head to bed but I cant untill yasi
sends me a file so I can tell her what I think of
it...



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chotu-meyeh @ 9/08/2005 01:20:00 AM #|

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.:Wednesday, September 07, 2005:.

greeaaat

:(. the time to verify the edu pins is up! I cant
believe I put it off this long.. it doesnt seem like
it was 15 days though. i have to get them re-sent
now.. ahh khair. its my mistake.

I'm so bad man. I promise my mom I'll sleep early and
its already almost 2. I had things I needed to take
care of though!!! I wasnt wasting time..and inshaAllah
I'll head to bed right now.

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chotu-meyeh @ 9/07/2005 01:53:00 AM #|

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gotttt ittt

I got my diploma today! About time man..I've been done
for a couple months now. but ya, Alhamdulillah it was
a good surprise getting it today. mad my mood a bit
better...now tommorrow is going to be really busy, but
alhamdulillah I can finally get alot of things taken
care of.

My evening was a bit better than my day alhamdulillah.
I started to snap out of my bad mood.. I spent most of
the night talking with my mom. My sister was using the
computer in moms room, so she came and sat with me in
mine. We talked about alot of things...some were
things that made sense to talk about, others were just
so random.. but it was nice.

Anyways, I have to take care of some things before I
sleep so this is enough of an update. Last night I was
up talking to yasi till 4:30. At about 4 I told her I
better head to bed since I didnt want my mom to get up
for fajr and find me awake, she begged me to stay
longer so I did. Half hour later my sister is woken by
the annoying cat that wouldnt stop meowing or
scratching the whole night... and she decides shes
going to leave the room to go bathroom, I was like NO
you'll wake up ummiii.. she dont listen, mom gets up..
I get in trouble :(. ahh khair, if she dont tell on me
then she finds another way to get me in trouble :P.

ANYWAYS the point of that story was that I have to
sleep early today, because I dont want to upset my mom
again.

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chotu-meyeh @ 9/07/2005 01:16:00 AM #|

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.:Tuesday, September 06, 2005:.

eh..

I've had one of those bad days when nothing seems to
go right. From the morning things have just been
annoying me.. and I'm in an extra emotional mood, and
I have no idea why.

I'm upset at somethings, frustrated with others,
feeling a bit down and just not to good... but
alhamdulillah. certain things just wont leave my mind,
and I suppose its whats making me extra edgy today..

I went to the dars earlier.. was aiight. ammi needed
some things from the store so we went there afterward.
Saw an auntie there that just came back from egypt and
'umrah. It was the first time for us to see her since
the start of the summer so it was sorta nice I guess.

Speaking of misr, I said goodbye to stucko today :(.
I shall miss her alot. InshaAllah I hope she has a
good time there... we had so much planned, but
qaadarAllahu wa ma sha'a fa'aal.

The younger of my two brothers, Adam, came over today.
He brought with him my other brothers daughter. Shes
cute mashaAllah. I call her Bouthaina instead of
Bethany so whenever I see her it reminds me of Umm
Sundus(same name). InshaAllah my brother is coming
again tomorrow to help me out with a couple things. He
said I can get about $1000 each term from the college
as spending money , well thats how much he gets at
least.

oh great.. I just went to check my moms email and
found out that if I dont verify my fafsa pin today
it'll expire.. :/.. ahh whatever I'll do it later
inshaAllah.. I have to go cook now before mom gets
annoyed with me...

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chotu-meyeh @ 9/06/2005 06:45:00 PM #|

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yeppp

I just finished writting some six page post thing that
I have no idea why I wrote. I dont understand myself
somtimes...

I'm sort of sleepy... not alot though. As long as I
have something to do I don't usually get sleepy.. if
I'm bored then I get sleepy.. and I'm starting to get
bored couse yasi ignoring me, so I'm starting to get
sleepy.

I spent most of the day playing Literati and Grafitti.
It was fun. A good way to fill up time :P. Except I
think I spent too much time on it. My mom started
getting upset at me for spending so much time online
"doing nothing". I spent most of the evening with her
though, so shes happy now.

I really think shes about ready to take away the
computer. My sister told on me again. She told my mom
I was up till 3 last night, and my mom was like "you
really want me to take it away?". Here I am up again
till almost three... I really dont listen to warnings
to well..

Yasi pasted something someone told her a while ago to
me " it's quite simple right, if you really want
something, no one(creation) can stop it from u". This
started me thinking... In a way I agree, since
ofcourse Allah swt has control over all things and is
the only one that can make something happen or prevent
it from happen. If it seems as if someone is standing
in your way of something then through duaa' Allah swt
can make it easy for you.. but at the same time if it
is the qaadar of Allah that this thing will not happen
for you, by his will he can cause a person to be the
reason of it not happening. Does that make sense?
Probably not. And Its probably smart if I dont speak
about this kind of issue when I'm this tired, couse I
could make a mistake without meaning to.. and this
isnt the kind of issue one wants to make a mistake
in.. so I'll just shut up now.

andddd it seems like my internet is going to start
acting up, so I'll just send this in now before I get
totally disconnected..

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chotu-meyeh @ 9/06/2005 02:46:00 AM #|

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.:Monday, September 05, 2005:.

I wish you enough...

I read this in one of the sister sections today...it's
cute.

At an airport I overheard a father and daughter in
their last moments together. They had announced her
planes departure and standing near the door, he said
to his daughter, "I love you, I wish you enough."

She said, "Daddy, our life together has been more than
enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you
enough, too, Daddy." They hugged good-bye and she
left.

He walked over toward the window where I was standing
there. I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I
tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed
me in by asking,

"Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would
be forever?" "Yes, I have," I replied. Saying that
brought back memories I had of expressing my love and
appreciation for all my Dad had done for me.

Recognizing that his days were limmited, I took the
time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me.
So I knew what this man was experiencing.

"Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever
good-bye?"

"I am old and she lives much too far away. I have
challenges ahead and the reality is, her next trip
back will be for my funeral," he said. "When you were
saying good-bye I heard you say,

'I wish you enough,' may I ask what that means?" He
began to smile.

"That's a wish that has been handed down from other
generations. My parents used to say it to everyone."

He paused for a moment and looking up as if trying to
remember it in detail, he smiled even more. "When we
said, 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other
person to have a life filled with enough good things
to sustain them," he continued and then turning toward
me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it
from memory.

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I
wish you enough
rain to appreciate the sun more. I wish you enough
happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough
pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much
bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your
wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that
you possess. I wish enough 'Hello's' to get you
through the final 'Good-bye.'"

He then began to sob and walked away.

"It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour
to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an
entire life to forget them."

chotu-meyeh @ 9/05/2005 01:34:00 PM #|

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Y Literati!

I'm getting schoooled by yasi right now. It wasnt fair
though, and she agrees! she kept getting the extra
point blocks. Its like 100 to 150 now :(. anddd now
shes just disapeared! wonderful.

I've started a long post.. reflections on this summer.
I'm not even halfway through.. I dont think I'm going
to post it though. Its alot of whats on my mind.. and
I go into more personal thoughts in it.. yasi
suggested I post it somplace else, I'm thinking I
might.. but it'll take me a while to finish it before
I worry about what I'll do with it.

^^^^ wrote that at 3am.. then my connection just
stopped working so I went to bed. Now its like 9am..
firstly my sister woke me up at 8ish.. and then she
came online and yasi made her wake me up again!
meanies.

umm_suhayb: yes yes wake me up again!
violencensugar: meyeh
violencensugar: i love you
violencensugar: i just missed you okay
umm_suhayb: i love u today
umm_suhayb: to***
umm_suhayb: lol
violencensugar: you love me today?
violencensugar: loool
umm_suhayb: lool
umm_suhayb: see thats what happens when i dont get
enough sleep!
violencensugar: lool

There was more I wanted to talk about last night...
now I cant remember. oh yasi won the game. lol shes
been up since playing it with others! majnoonah..



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chotu-meyeh @ 9/05/2005 09:24:00 AM #|

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.:Sunday, September 04, 2005:.

one of them rainy days...inshaAllah..

Its one of those overcast, sort of cold days.. its not
really rainy, but it drizzels every now and then.. the
type of day where you just want to sit and read.. or
spend the time talking with somone.. or just do
nothing at all.. I'm sitting in my moms room now, with
a window view.. Since its upstairs and I'm sitting
sort of low you cant see anything but trees and the
sky.. its pretty mashaAllah..

my moms put me to work today. I didnt mind it.. I'm
happy I'm done now though, since there is alot passing
through my thoughts right now.. I had cooking to do,
and bathrooms.. both things I'm ok with. I enjoy
cooking, and I'm used to bathrooms since my mom
dislikes doing them I've been doing them since I was
around 7 or so.

I have a bad habbit of sharpening the knife before
using it to skin/clean chicken and meat. It annoys me
when the knife wont cut good enough. The only problem
is I'll sharpen it to much, and it will cut to good,
and usually end up cutting myself. My mom has told me
to stop more than once since I've had some pretty bad
cuts before.. alhamdulilah todays was really small,
didnt even need a bandaid.

I dont understand the point of the masjid library if
no one uses it. mashaAllah they have so much in there,
whether it be books or tapes, but it never gets used.
I organzed part of it with my mom once.. its awesome..
I understand the reason they dont let anyone take
books anymore, since no one ever returns them.. but
I'm sure they can make it in a way that things are
returned...

On friday khala Summayyah told me alot of the masjids
history. She started attending in 1980, and has been
muslim since 81 alhamdulillah. As an institution
they've been here since 1973.. and they've been on
this lot/building since 1981. Well they bought the
property in 80, it had three houses on it. By 81 they
had built the first half of the masjid wich was the
upstairs and downstairs musalaahs. By 85 they had torn
down the second house and built the extension areas
that are the activity room upstairs and the second
musalah downstairs.. and they put in the basment.. and
library.. Right now they're doing some changes
downstairs, making the basment the mens activity room
and all of downstairs into one big musalaah.. the
third house is still on the property, it gets rented
out as income for the masjid.. although the women want
it taken down and a school built there..

I dont know why Im posting that.. just something I was
thinking about. In my discussion with khala Summayyah
we talked about what needs to be done now for the
masjid.. There is alot that needs doing, just no one
willing to do it.. and the ones that are cant..
certain people are good at complicating things and it
frustrates others.. but alhamdulillah some things are
being taken care of.. and inshaAllah a little at a
time everything will be done.

Being a college town there has been one thing that has
always been a "problem". People never stay. At first
it was all students, when they finished their studies
they handed the masjid over to the next group and so
on.. now there are some permanent families, but alot
of them are starting to leave as well. Its happened
before alot.. people go, people come.. in a way the
whole community structure is in a rebuilding stage..
with so many people that have left and are leaving
there are alot of gaps that need filling...

What is love? A bit random of a question, but like I
said there are alot of things on my mind now, and this
is one of them. I know its a feeling, but what
feeling is it? How do you know that thats what you are
feeling and not something else. I really dont know
where I'm going with this, since I really dont know
what I'm talking about.. I'm just trying to understand
it.

'ala kulli haal, I'm starved and the food smells
good.. enough thinking for now.



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chotu-meyeh @ 9/04/2005 05:31:00 PM #|

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aggainn

dudee whats up with emails? its seriously weird. I get
up in the morning and two other people have emailed me
that I never thought would. Well one was a reply to my
email, so I expected that.. but the other was a
complete surprise.. I cant be bothered to answer them
now though..

I got woken up early today! my sister wakes up at like
9 telling me yasi wants to speak to me. I get up, and
get ignored by her.. how nice. we talked a while but
then I had to go down and do things for ummii... we
planned a runaway get together party on a deserted
island though :P. stwawbewwy party.

speaking of my sister, shes really getting on my
nerves. whyy go on my accounts when I say no? whyy go
on ummi's when I say no? then she complains that I
went on hers once. Oh, and the more annoying thing is
asking me every ten seconds "why are you crying?' and
when I turn and look at her and ask "how do you see me
crying" she goes "oh, I thought I did". Jussst to bug
me, no other reason.. ahh khair

ammi called one of my aunts in egypt today :(. I
wannnnaaa be there! my khalu has been there for a week
or so now. my aunt was like "what do you want me to
send you back with Mounir?" and I was like "wallah
nothing ya khaltu".. then shes like "I'll send you
guys abayahs and stuff inshaAllah" and I was like
"noooo send chocolate!!!!" she started laughing. My
mom was like "I always tell them that the sweets and
chocolates back home are better than the ones here,
and this girl is majnoonat helw, if she could she'd
ask you to send her pitifor, gatoh, and all that".
yes yes, if I could I would :D. But I cant, so
chocolate will have to do :P. Although I think the
american chocolates the sell in arab countries taste
HORRIBLE. like kit kat, smarties and the rest..
yucckkk... but the other kinds of chocolate are good.

Anyways, 'Aliyaah called about ten minutes ago and
said shes going to try to make it over before dhuhr to
say salaams before she leaves. She was supposed to
come over yesterday but she couldnt couse they were
booked for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks in
between :P. I probably should get up and change since
I'm wearing pajama pants and my brothers Highschool
football shirt.. its like x large, why couldnt he get
me a small or medium? but its good for pajama shirts.
I think I'm in to much of a talkative mood :/


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chotu-meyeh @ 9/04/2005 12:57:00 PM #|

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*yawn*

I have no idea what I'm still doing up! I'm seriously
so tired... I dont think yasii is planning on coming,
so inshaAllah I'll head to bed after this.

Out of the things I had wanted to do I only did one
thing.. wich was to answer yet another email. After
that I got side tracked looking for an old english
paper that I need. I cant find it anywhere. I had four
format cds and karima broke one of them, the latest
one, and I'm 100% sure it was on that one. I checked
the other ones and its not on them.. I pmed my old
teacher asking if she had it but she didnt answer. And
now I'm sort of annoyed because I want it and dont
know where to get it from. I'm pretty sure my teacher
has it couse she asked me if she could save it to
share with her students and her husband read it and
stuff..but other than her I cant remember who I sent
it to.. ahh khair

After I gave up finding that I wasted a good half hour
or so googling up names. I still am not sure what
started us on that, but me and a friend kept googling
diffrent names of people we know to see what would
come up. lol, the first site that came up for my name
was some sufi girls blog.... how nice.

anyways am going to sleep inshaAllah.. if I stay on
I'll just waste more time.. and I've done enough of
that today.

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chotu-meyeh @ 9/04/2005 02:10:00 AM #|

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culture v. religion

you know what ticks me off? When someone knows
something is wrong but tries to justify them doing
with the argument that its part of their "culture".
Since when is culture put before religion? Burrying
girls alive was part of the culture of Quraish, does
that make it alright for someone from Quraishy desent
to do so? Drinking and gambling is alright in american
cluture, does that make it ok for someone to do so
couse they are from here? Sitting with non mahram
relatives and going to so and so's grave for help is
part of egyptian culture, does that make it ok for me
to do it? Ofcourse not.

Alhamdulilah I am happy I was not raised in a cultural
family. In general I know nothing about Arab or
Egyptian culture, except for maybe the food. My mom
has always been very open to other ideas and
"cultures" and thats how she raised me to be. When she
turned towards the deen more strongly she then raised
me on that, and to not put anything before it. So for
me to even think of justifying one of my actions on
the base of it being culture sounds stupid.. but in a
way I understand why some people use it.. since what
they were brought up on was islam is part of culture,
what fits with culture we take and what doesnt we
dont.. alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal..

^^^ that was my daily lecture today.. that and why
music is haram.. and now its what I'm ranting about..
it bothered me enough to rant about it twice! once in
the conversation I had and now on the blog.. maayyybee
I got a bit over worked up.. but thats probably
because of how hyper I am, so I used my energy in that
way. And no I wasnt as harsh in the convo as I was on
here.

I've had a good night so far alhamdulillah. I'm in a
weeirrd mood man. The way I'm acting you'd think I
just ate a bag of chocolate! I actually calmed down a
bit after I ate wich is intresting. I went down at
around 9:30 to eat since I hadnt eaten since morning..
ran down the stairs, gave my mom a bigg hug, and told
her I was going to make something to eat. she was like
"whats wrong with you? are you sure you're feeling
ok?". I ate and sat talking with mom till around 10
when she decided to head to bed.

I cant believe its almost midnight.. I actually have
things I want to do tonight.. I've forgotten half of
them though.. wa yasi supposed to be on inshaAllah...

Beavs won their first game today, not that it matters
much. They beat PSU 41-14. They're supposed to be
pretty good this year.. watch them suck like any other
team I root for :P.. these teams keep putitng me in
deeper debt!!


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chotu-meyeh @ 9/04/2005 12:04:00 AM #|

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.:Saturday, September 03, 2005:.

no title!

I got up early today!!!! :P. I got up at around 9
without anyone waking me up. yea yea, not to early,
but with the way I've been sleeping in lately it is. I
feel good alhamdulillah. Super hyper, probably from
talking to meena :P.

I've spent the whole day since I got up online...
except for an hour or so break a while ago and a few
other times that I left for half hour or so each. My
mom was like "whats gottten into you?" I said
"Yasmeena is back" she was like "aww, say salaams to
her for me". She loves yasiii almost as much as I
love her :P. I dont know why, but there are a few of
my friends, both offline and online that my mom always
tells me she loves them as if they were her own
children. Yea, yasi is one of them.

All in all I've had a good day alhamdulillah. My mom
and sister went to khala Nailas in the morning for
final goodbyes, I had to stay home since my mom was
expecting some phone calls. Later on, before asir,
khala Aisha came over for a while.. thats when I went
offline.. so I could sit with her. she has good
stories to tell :D.

I've had to answer like ten emails today. I havent had
this many emails to respond to in one day since I
finished online classes! And they werent one line
responces either, at least a paragraph each. I still
have to re respond to one of them tonight since she
wanted me to write a DETAILED email and I sent her a
couple paragraphs.. ahh oh well..

connection sucks, so I cant download now.. and I dunnu
where to save this
violencensugar: http://s47.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=0KXN2BT7BLO8738Q7OCYUGUL8I

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chotu-meyeh @ 9/03/2005 06:56:00 PM #|

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Blog Editor

Due to my totally horrible English grammar and
spelling I have come to the decision that it is a must
for me to hire a blog editor for this blog. The
average salary for this job would be $0.00 an hour,
and the one I hire must be on call 24/7 since I like
to post at interesting times of the day. With such a
great offer I was sure that many people would be dying
to have this job, but after much thought I have
decided on who I shall hire. Please welcome Hina
Rehman, the so called English major that can not spell
write right, and now the new Blog Editor of
chotumeyeh.blogspot.com! Welcome welcome!

ok ok, jokes aside. Hina OFFERED to edit my blog for
me since as she pointed out I make wayy to many
mistakes on it. Happy? I gave you recognition for your
KIND offer. *rolls eyes*. I used to be more careful
when it came to my spelling and grammar, but now I
cant be bothered. Since 1. its my blog and if you dont
like it, dont read it. 2. my connection sucks, I can
barely post, let alone go and edit it. 3.I dont have
time or sabr to do that. and 4. my spelling and
grammar really do suck :P.

so yea, dont get scared when the posts look better
than usual! I'm still me, I just have a helper :P.



chotu-meyeh @ 9/03/2005 12:15:00 AM #|

(2) comments

.:Friday, September 02, 2005:.

my mother's duaa'

I love the way my mom makes duaa for me for the
simplest things. It totally changes my mood and makes
me want to do whatever she is asking from me. For
example, today she goes "don't stand barefoot in the
kitchen"...I'm hot and have a fever and I don't
exactly feel like going upstairs to put on socks or to
wear slippers...but then she adds "rayahee 'albi,
Allah ya rayyah 'albik (bring comfort to my heart, May
Allah swt bring comfort to yours) and makes some more
duaa. How can I resist doing what she asks? I love my
mom.

I really think it was her making duaa for me that made
me able to finish in time today. There was a lot
distracting me and I wasn't feeling up to it. I got
offline close to 5, but alhamdulilah by 6:20 I had
finished cooking, helping mom in dars, showered, and
had abayah on. I don't know how...but I did it,
walhamdulillah.

I had a great great time at the masjid alhamdulilah.
For the first time in months I enjoyed myself this
much. It was just diffrent than usual. There was alot
of people, but that's not what made the difference..
everyone was just in a happy good mood..'Aliyaaaah
came alhamdulilah. That was the highlight of the night
for me. I spent the whole time with her after the
dars...we hung out and talked and talked and talked...
we got home sort of late, close to 10...but
alhamdulillah had a good time.

A lot of times when I feel down I find myself spacing
out...thinking of how great it would be if one could
go to a place free of problems...of sadness...of
hate...of jealousy...of ill feelings...leave in peace
and happiness...It doesn't seem like a reality in this
world, but it does exists...in Jannah inshaAllah. This
world isn't meant to be a place of reward, it's a place
of tests so that inshaAllah later on one will be
rewarded or punished for what they did in this life.

What we go through is a test, but a lot of times it is
brought onto ourselves by our own sins...there is the
ayah, I'm forgetting in what suraah now...one of the Ha
meems...the meaning of the ayah is that what befalls us
is by our own hands, and Allah swt forgives or doesn't
punish/test us for a lot of what we do. Just looking at
myself and the sins I know I have done, all I can say
is subhanAllah...Allah swt indeed is so mercyful. If I
was to be tested for every thing I did wrong, I really
don't know how I could cope. Even now, with the few
tests that I may be going through, I'm not sure how
well I'm doing in them. I try to have the right sabr
through them, but I often find myself complaining and
wishing things would be better.

There is always good that comes from a test.
InshaAllah with every test I'll try to become
better... I just need to work on myself more than I am...



chotu-meyeh @ 9/02/2005 11:20:00 PM #|

(0) comments

breakdown...


Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going the extremes to prove I'm fine
But in reality I'm slowly loosing my my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying
inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal that fact that I'm
suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and
cry
~breakdown, mariah carey




chotu-meyeh @ 9/02/2005 09:49:00 PM #|

(0) comments

emotional v. physical..

I have to get up and start cooking at 4 so I'll be
done by the time we go to masjid! I dont want to!!!!
Ahh khair, moms busy...

I've had a pretty good day so far. At around 9:30 or
so I was laying in bed, not totally asleep but half
asleep.. my sister goes "Maryam I know I shouldn't be
on your Yahoo, BUT yasi is on." I was like "GET UP!!!"
I dont think I've gotten out of bed this fast in a
while... I wasn't planning on getting up early either, I
was/am in one of those "What's the point of getting
up?" moods.

I spoke with yasi for a couple hours. From around
10-12:30. As usually the conversation was an
emotional rollercoaster. It went from happyyyy, to
saddd, to depressing, to happy, to normal, to worried,
to just about every other emotion there is... it sort
of ended on a sad note for us both, but inshaAllah
things will get better for us all.

I had a discussion with UmmQaylah a few days ago, and
then had the same discussion with muji57 today,
about what is harder: physical or emotional pain. All
three of us seem to be of the opinion that emotional
is harder. But I think it depends, there can be times
when physical is worse and times when emotional is...
and sometimes they both come together, or one causes
the other.

For example, someone might use phyical torture as a way
of humiliating you... causing you to feel uncapable of
protecting yourself, or making you feel that they are
superior to you. This causes emotional pain. And
likewise someone might hurt you emotionally but it
leads you to become sick, or to hurt yourself
physcally because you are in your right state of mind.

When I think back into my past though I see that
emotional pain has left deeper wounds. Certain
situations that I lived through have subjected me to
both types of abuse, at one time or another. I can
still remember a lot of the emotional hurt...still
taste it as if it happened yesterday...but it's rare
when I can remember the physical hurting...I think
after a while it became obvious that I had become
immune to physical pain, and that's when the emotional
hurt started getting worse...

I think some of the hardest types of emotional pain on
me now are knowing I've hurt someone dear to me,
knowing someone dear to me is hurt, being hurt by
someone dear to me, having trust broken, having lies
said about me (slander), and being apart from people I
care about...some situations involve more than one of
those feelings...while others might involve just one...
or diffrent feelings...at the end it just hurts...

'ala kulli haal I didnt mean for this to turn into
another depressing post...it's just what I was thinking
about, since I was just talking it over...It's like
3:40 now...I probably should get offline since I've
spent almost all day on it...I haven't spent this much
time online in one sitting for a longgg time.. :/

chotu-meyeh @ 9/02/2005 03:45:00 PM #|

(0) comments

yaaassssiiiiiii

yassssiiiii is back :D :D :D :D:D :D:D:D:D:D:D

yaaaaay alhamdulillaaah. The love of my life...hayatee
wa roohi wa albi is baccck. I can now breath easily
again since my partner in crime is here :P. Dont need
to keep looking over my shoulder when I do my
shadyness, couse I know she got my back covered.

*sigh... I missed you habeebtiiii... I love you
endlesslyyyy... and I'm beyond happy that you are
doing well and have come back to meeee!!

chotu-meyeh @ 9/02/2005 10:59:00 AM #|

(0) comments

picking on me!

*sigh...sometimes I wonder why I post certain things
on here...I end up getting blasted and picked on
because of them. Right now I'm getting called a psycho
because of what I said in the last post about liking
to look at baby things. I really don't get what's so
pyschotic about it...and I THOUGHT I had explained
myself well enough in the post.. but I guess not since
someone is continuing to tease me about it. So let
me try again.

1. I dont like going to stores and shopping all that
much...especially with my mom and sis :P. 2. I get
bored easily when I'm at these places, since I don't
like buying things unless I need them. 3. I love
babies.

What started this habit for me is that, mashaAllah,
for the past few years there have been a lottt of
births here...and whenever there would be one and my
mom would want to go buy a gift she'd tell me to find
something...so I got hooked to those sections of the
stores :P. Now I just go to them for the fun of it...
'cause everything is sooo cuteeee. Sometimes I'll get
something for AbdulQudoos or something...but usually
I just look at the stuff.. I guess thats sort of
psycho, but not as psycho as it's getting made out to
be.

Maan, what's up with people picking on me tonight! I'm
in a touchy mood. They need to be considerate! I sent
a friend one of the recordings with me in it and she
goes "yeah, you do sound fobby and little." THANKS! I
already know that, don't need to rub it in. Haneefah
picked on my voice in another way she goes
"mashaAllah, now you're not only fitnah face, but
fitnah voice as well." She's one of the funniest people
I know, mashaAllah. OH! How could I forget, there was
also the long disscussion/arguement I had with friend
#1 about if I'm bratty and have an atttitude.

I don't have an attitude!!! In general I'm good and
well behaved. As long as you don't get on my bad side
or tick me off I'll be nice with you...except for the
few masakeen that I like to have an attitude with for
the fun of it, but that's a whole other story.... And
no I don't cuss either...well, most of the time. I have
to be reallllyy mad to curse...so yes, I don't have an
atttiude, understood? :P

Why do some people have to suck so bad :(. It's like no
matter how hard you try, they still suck. They've hurt
you so much...but you don't give up...until you
realize that maybe you should stop because it's just
hurting you more. Every time I'm reminded of this
situation it breaks my heart. I still love this
girl... and I don't think I'll ever understand what
happened.. other than our different interests now and
her selfishness, selfcenteredness, and usingness I
can't think of an explanation. I know she'll come
around sooner or later when she's in need of
something...and most likely I'll welcome her with open
arms...maybe I'm stupid for doing that...but I'm not
the person that can throw years of friendship behind
me easily.

ANYWAYS to end off on a brighter note, since I don't
want what happened a little while ago to ruin my
night...'Aliyaaah is coming tommorrow :D. inshaAllah
she'll be staying till Sunday. I misss herrrrr...
maaan. If only UmmAbdulQudoos was here as well...ahh
alhamdulilah 'ala kulli haal...inshaAllah she's having
fun.

I'm tired. I probably should head to bed. I need to
take Tylenol again..but I don't have water up here and
I don't want to go down to get some...I could take
without water but I dont want to now...inshaAllah I'll
be able to just sleep on it and see how I am in the
morning...Tommorrow is a long day...Ummi has dars again
and there is a goodbye party after dars for khala Naila,
and some other things we need to do in the middle of
the day that I've forgotten...




chotu-meyeh @ 9/02/2005 01:02:00 AM #|

(0) comments

.:Thursday, September 01, 2005:.

caaa-uttte-ness

I've had a good day alhamdulillah. I slept like 12
hours last night.. well actually it was more like 10..
since even though I went to bed around 11:15 I didnt
fall asleep untill a while after 12.. then I got up
for fajr, went back to bed and got woken up at 10..
but didnt actually get up till 11:30ish.

I had the nicest dream last night. and I didnt want to
get up untill I finished it. My sister started waking
me up around 10 telling me to get up because we were
going to be babysitting. Then my mom came and tried to
get me up as well, but I wasnt about to change my mind
and get up. When AbdirRahman came at 11 my sister and
him both tried.. jumping on me, pulling the covers,
tickling, yelling, begging. They annoyed me to the
point I ALMOST was going to, but then my sister went
online and was forced to leave the room because of the
bad connection!!

AbdirRahman kept trying and trying to get me up.. and
finally gave up. About five minutes after they left me
alone I got up. I felt something crawling on my arm
and when I looked I saw a spider.. it wasnt that big
or anything.. I wasnt sure if I had hit and killed it
or not so I got out of bed.. I'm not scared of
spiders, but I'm scared of spider bites since I've had
some prettty bad ones before..

I love that kid. Hes so so so so cute mashaAllah. Just
adorable. He's seriously like my little brother.. he
goes around the house calling me and my sister "ya
ukhtiiii". He loves helping around. Today he cleanded
the whole kitchen with me. He took out the dishwasher,
plate by plate, spoon by spoon. It took foreeeverr but
it made him happy, so alhamdulillah. Then he sat on
the counter and washed all the things in the sink and
put them in the dishwasher.. I'll really miss him when
he leaves in a couple months :(.

I made a whole bunch of recordings of him today. most
are of him reciting Quran but there are some of me and
him talking. I love his accent when he talks english..
mashaAllah adorable. I sound sooo fobby in them though
lool, and I hate the way I sound on recordings makes
me sound so young! :( I usually send his recordings to
UmmQ and someone else.. but this time Ummq has no
computer and someone else... my sis said she would
send one of them but I want them to hear all of them,
minus the ones with me in them :P. khair inshaAllah,
maybe I'll upload some to yousendit later...

I love little kids. MashaAllah they're so cute..
innocent.. and adorable. It makes me feel good to be
with them.. There are certain little ones that I just
adore.. like AbdirRahman and AbdilQudoos. Those two,
and some others, are just so special to me. Like my
own brothers or nephews or something. I want a baby
:(. I'm seriously baby crazy :P. Even when I have to
go shopping with my mom and sis to places like ross,
kmart, the mall etc I'll usually end up leaving them
and looking at the baby stuff. Yea, I already know I'm
majnoonah.

After khala finished her appointment she came over for
a while. Shes also like an older sister to me, or a
young aunt or something. When she first got married we
lived two houses down from her and me and my sis would
always go over to her house and help her and talk and
hang out and stuff.. Every time she sees me now she
asks me what I want for "hadiyat najah" couse
finishing HS is a big thing back home.. here its like
"oh you graduated? nicee". And I'm always like "bess
du'aa". When she asked today my mom goes " 'arees :P".
and khala replies with "oh thats a given, but what
else?". Annoyingness.

When she left my mom and sis wanted to go shopping to
but gifts for khala Naila and the kids before they
left, since they're leaving sunday. I really didnt
feel up to going, but yea I went. And yes I looked at
baby things :P. I get bored easily since usually I'm
not there to buy anything. I'm of the opinion that if
you dont need something, dont buy it.. and after
listening to my sister ask me "is this nicer or this?
do you think dora would like this more or this?"
3241224 times I get bored of it.. and the baby stuff
are adorable in my opinion..

anyways, ummi wants me down to eat dinner.. then I
think I'll rest a while... inshaAllah I'll be on
later, 10 or so.. *maybe someone will be back from
work by then* oh nvm, you're at TP today so you might
actually get off on time.


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chotu-meyeh @ 9/01/2005 07:55:00 PM #|

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