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.:Monday, October 24, 2005:.
where do you draw the line?
have you ever not been able to trust someone you once
trusted more than anyone? Thats how I've been feeling
latly about a few people. I really dont know what to
think anymore. I've had certain doubts from before..
but I'd always overlook them. Now I've gotten to a
point where I'm not sure if I should overlook things
anymore. Maybe its time to just face the reality of
the matter.
The sad thing, as I told a sis earlier today, is that
when I look at myself and my realations with people
and the way I have dealt with things, I havnt always
been upfront, honest, trustful,truthful, and
straightforward. Why should I expect better from
others?
She answered me with something I think I really needed
to hear. She said "we all make mistakes sis. There are
three kinds of people, 1.people that make mistakes and
dont learn from them..repeat them etc. 2. people that
make mistakes and learn from them.. and 3. people that
learn from the mistakes of others. We have to strive
to be from the two latter groups".
I have and am trying to be of those groups. I fall
short sometimes but I'm not giving up, inshaAllah, I
will and can change. I havn't totally given up on
relationships or people either. There are true people,
I know some alhamdulillah. It's just sadens you when
you start to think that maybe someone you thought was
forreal isn't.
This is probably going to be a big jump from what I
was talking about, but its another thing that has been
on my mind for a while now. Isn't it amazing how
easily someone forgets all sense of their hayaa' when
they are online? I'm not innocent of this either, but
I don't think (at least I hope I havnt) I've taken it
as far as others.
It is all to common for a bro/sis to come online and
speak freely with someone from the opposite gender,
but if they were to see them on the street most likely
they wouldnt say a word. As if just because they cant
physically see the person its ok. No, its not. The
same emotions, thoughts, feelings, etc. that could
develop in a person to person contact can develop in
online contact.
I remember once me and another sis said we would write
an article on this. We are/were really serious about
it, and still talk about doing it one day inshaAllah.
We've either heard about, been part of, or been in the
middle of one to many bad situations.
There are different things that could develop from an
online relationship.
1. They stay friends and then go their seperate ways.
This is usually rare. They stay friends, talk, share
thoughts and problems with each other. Have a good
trusting relationship and then for whatever reason go
down different paths in life. Usually in this case
one, if not both, have some type of feelings for the
other, but they dont voice it.
2. One has feelings, the other doesnt. One of them
grows really attached and starts having feelings for
the other. They express it and the other explains how
they dont feel the same and didnt have that intent
when they started talking. The first gets sad and
feels rejected. They might continue talking or
stop depending on the type of people they are and how
things go. They might even persue marriage since the
other thinks of them as a good person even if they
dont have feelings for them. Or they might keep them
around couse its good for their ego knowing that the
other person cares about them that way.
3. Both develop feelings. Both people become attached
and express it. If they are serious and have good
intentions then usually they will persue marriage.
Depending on situations this might work out or it
might not. If it doesnt they are heart broken. If they
arent serious it can be a prolonged love affair that
leads to nothing and neither gain anything but a
broken heart.
4,5,6,7,8,9,10. Every other imaginable situation, be
it good or bad ending.
There are the few exceptions when things really dont
go far. When it is a good friendship and nothing more.
But even then its not totally right. Actually its not
right at all.
What annoys me the most is when someone who wasnt
planning on getting in the middle of anything gets
pulled into it by someone else and then end up getting
a rejection. Why flirt or show interest when you know
it' wont happen and you'll just hurt the other person.
Sometimes I wonder if I've ever done that... maybe he
had the right to accuse me for "playing him" "making
him think I was interested when I wasn't." I don't
think I ever have. I think I've been clear whenever
the topic of marriage has come up? When a brother
showed interest and I was interested I made it clear..
and when brothers showed interest and I wasnt I made
it clear. If they are clear with me I'm clear with
them...
This is probably a random topic for me to bring up.
But its something I have been thinking about. Some if
it is because of actions of people that I've seen
latly.. and some of it is because I was thinking of
how/what started me talking to bros and how I've
stopped.. and how I've continued..
Now to jump topics again... actually I'll save this
for another time...
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chotu-meyeh
@ 10/24/2005 08:55:00 PM
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.:Sunday, October 23, 2005:.
studying? not enough :P
The first half of the quarter was ok. We didn't have
to much of a workload and I was doing alright. It's
about halfway through the quarter now. We just
finished midterms, well most midterms..there are still
some going on. And it is now that you really start
feeling the load of the work. Still, I dont mind it..
like its managble.. everything but math.
I dont think its a hidden fact to anyone how not good
I am at this subject. I'm fine when its just numbers
but as soon as you start adding letters to the numbers
it starts to not make sense. Some how I passed my hs
algebra classes with b's.. and I think an A in
geometry.. but man they werent as hard as this one.
*sigh.. this means I have to go in to the college
twice a week to get help so I can pass the class.. The
only reason I actually care to pass is that 1. its
worth 5 credits.. and 2. if I pass it I wont have to
ever take another math class... my mom blames my bad
grade(so far) in the class on my lazyness, I agree.
chotu-meyeh
@ 10/23/2005 02:42:00 PM
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.:Friday, October 21, 2005:.
procrastination at its best
I am a procrastinator. Its a known fact. Everyone that
knows me knows that about me. I've been trying to
break out of the habbit, sometimes I do good, but I
still have the habbit. Today is a good example of what
happens when I procrastinate.
I left all my weeks worth of schoolwork for today. All
except one math quiz and the lessons I had to do
before it, since they were due Wedsnday. So I get up
this morning and the first thought I have is "ohhh
greaaat, 3 papers due and Allahu 'aalam how many pages
of reading". What have I been doing all day? Nah, not
schoolwork.
Alhamdulillah I just turned in my last paper. But my
point is I could have turned it in hours ago had I
only focused on work. Today is the first day I
actually spend more than an hour online since I said I
wouldnt use the net much. That was just 3 days ago.
Already I had offliners asking if all was ok and if I
was alright. So I spent alot of the day talking, just
so people know I'm alright :P. Ya, thats another
excuse.. Seriously though, I spent way to much time
talking today. tsk tsk.
Anyways, I have to be at masjid in like an hour and
half. I still need to wash my abayah and take a
shower. My mom and sister are trying to convince me to
wear a different abayah, I dont want to. Why? Couse
I'm also very stubborn and I want to wear this one!
argh... I have math quiz tommorrowwww and the longest,
most annoying.. report activity due sometime next
week. Since when do they give you reports for math???
Did I ever mention how much I hate the teacher? do all
math teachers suck? I havnt had a good math teacher
since 2nd grade! and my mom ofcourse :P. As long as
she stops explaining algebra to me in arabi that is...
Anyways, I better go put the cloths in washer before
it is to late and I really do end up wearing a
different one. No one is willing to do it for me since
they are just as stubborn.. and just as good at making
their point...
wow, this was one pointless post...
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chotu-meyeh
@ 10/21/2005 04:42:00 PM
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.:Thursday, October 20, 2005:.
tsk tsk
ya, I know I said I wouldnt be on for a while...I've
said it before as well and I never stuck to it... I'm
actually doing good this time.. if it was for all the
emails I'd been off by now!
I can not believe how many emails I had to read today.
25 in yahoo and 12 in hotmail. That is insane.
Alhamdulillah I didn't have to answer to many of them.
I had a nice evening yesterday. Khala Aisha was having
people over for iftaar so I went over to help her
after asir. It was seriously so fun and the food
turned out so good. MashaAllah 'alaiha she always
makes the most delicious and time consuming things..
I took my books and the computer with me there since I
have alot of hw due. I couldnt get connection and I
was to busy to even open one of my books. So now I'm
stuck with way alot due today and tommorrow. I was
supposed to go to the college today and work there but
decided not to.
I cut my sisters hair yesterday :/. I had like no idea
what I was doing, well I had some idea.. but it turned
out reallllly nice. my mom wasnt home and when she
came back she was a bit shocked at first, but didnt
get mad.. couse she liked it :D.
I got scolded baadd this morning at fajr.. As usual I
didnt go down to eat... mom brought me food upstairs..
ya, I'm spoiled. Anyways after salaah my dad goes
"have some shame, you make your mother bring your food
to you? You should be the one going down and making
sahoor, not her"
me: I do the second half of Ramadaan!
him: you need to do it for all of Ramadaan. What are
you going to do when you get married? Make it a
condition of the marriage that he brings you sahoor to
bed?
me: YES! Definatly! *very serious look*
MOM: *THE look*. Do you have no shame? You will NOT
do that as long as I am your mother. As far as getting
up and making sahoor, you have to be spoiled sometime
sah? next year though, if you are still here, you will
be doing all the sahoor cooking.
*case closed*
Anyways, dhuhr.. then hw.. possibly come on later.
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chotu-meyeh
@ 10/20/2005 01:21:00 PM
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.:Tuesday, October 18, 2005:.
random..
whatever goes up is going to come down.. if ur lucky
it'll hit the bottom and stop plunging..
we take this dunyah and our time in it for granted..
forget that we'll soon be leaving it.. and when we do
all thats left is our good deeds and good memories..
Loves weird.. something you cant exactly describe..
you feel it though.. and you know what it is.. people
kill in the name of love, people get killed in the
name of love.. its powerful.. but one shouldnt let it
get the best of them..
its not about being good sometimes.. its about being
good all the time.. slow and steady is better than
fast but choppy.. its great to do more good deeds in
blessed times like now.. but its even better to keep
on doing them throughout the year..
random? ya.
anyways, am out.. I'll be back in a couple weeks
inshaAllah. I've wasted enough time this Ramadaan..
and now its almost over. So am taking a small break
from the net, I'll check emails and do school work..
but thats it.. inshaAllah..
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chotu-meyeh
@ 10/18/2005 07:38:00 PM
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.:Monday, October 17, 2005:.
sup?
I actually remembered that there is something called
blogs and that I have one :O...and since I'm bored and
have nothing better to do I decided I'd update.. So
whats up with me? Where have I been? What have I been
doing? and how am I?
To be honest, I have no idea. Time just goes by..
before you know it the day is over.. and then the
week.. and so on.. you look back and its like wow
subhanAllah, I didnt even do half of what I wanted to.
Thats how it is for me.. everyday.. A typical day for
me usually consists of spending a couple hours in the
morning watching taraweeh.. studying.. cleaning..
cooking iftar.. eating and then falling asleep to get
up later.. except I havnt had to many typical days
latly..
To start off, I've been way busy with school. I dont
like it. I hate having to go to the college every few
days for a test or class... its just annoying. I had
to sit through a 6 hour lecture class on saturday..
that was torture. alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal.
I'm really thinking of dropping school. I probably
wont go through with it, but I really am thinking
about it. I like my majors but man its so much work..
and it takes up so much time.. and yes, I am lazy. I
guess I didnt find as much in it as I thought I
would.. its just a time filler.. If I dont drop
totally, then at I want to at least take some time
off.. there are other things I'd like to work on, and
that are more important, than school.
I spent a few days last week and UmmAbdulQudoos's. I
love it there. I love AQ, I love his mom. UAQ and me
get along really well.. and I learn alot from her..
shes considerably older than me, nine years or so, so
she has alot more experiance in things..
AQ is just adorable. There is no other way to describe
him.. he just makes me happy.. When he wakes up in the
morning and comes to wake me up.. then holds my hand,
takes me to my backpack and points saying "laaka,
laaka" couse he knows I have chocolate for him.. Its
impossible not to give it to him... when he goes to
the door and tells me "mayya, mayya, yella na yah"
(maryam yellah na rooh, lets go).. couse he wants me
to take him out to the swings.. or when I'm sitting
on the computer and he asks me to hold him then says
"doggy" so I put his dog cartoon movie thing on.. I
just love the kid so much.. May Allah swt bless him..
So yea, thats sorta what I been up to.. that, and the
Masjid. I've been going to the masjid more, and have
been a bit more involved with masjid things since
Ramadaan started.. Ramadaan is awesome.. hard to
believe its already half way gone.. subhanAllah.. this
is what I mean about time going by so fast.. it dont
feel like that long..
I've been in one of my up-down-emotional stages latly.
I'm not totally sure why. there are things..
ofcourse.. but I couldnt name one reason and say "that
is why!". There is alot I want to change about me..
alot I dont really like.. alot I'm already working
on.. and its exhausting.. I'm bored with alot of
things.. same routine everyday.. nothing new.. thats
one of the reasons I started school again.. but that
just adds to the dullness...and I guess I cant really
figure out what I want..
Different things that have happened latly have sort of
got me thinking. We take life, people, and things for
granted to much..Things we really shouldnt.. and I
guess being hit my this realization got me thinking
more I guess.. and yea, I cant really explain the
rest..
here is where I'm going to start sounding crazy.. but
who cares.. when I was at UAQ's I did figure out what
I want, I think.. I was folding laundry with her, and
AQ kept unfolding.. it bothered her, but it made me
smile.. couse thats what I want.. she even told me..
she told me that it was obviouse school wasnt the
answer for me, and that what I needed was to get
married.. And yea, I agree totally.. but what I dont
get is why my actions dont match my feelings..
For example, a friend suggests someone to me and I
dont want to think of persuing it. Why? I didnt feel
like it. Not to mention the fact that I kinda maybe
would like to know more about the person than their
ethnicity and what people think of their looks. Had I
showed any interest I would have found out more, but I
didnt want it.. Another friend makes a joke at the
masjid about how I'm going to probably get married
next, and I get mad at her.. and just stuff like
that..
I dont know.. I guess, at the end of the day, I'm
havnt changed much in this regard. I'm just waiting..
when its the right time it'll happen.. no point in
upsetting myself over it not happening.. or going out
of my way to try to make it happen..
And lastly, since this is long and boring enough..
there is another thing I want.. I want to go overseas
with my uncle. maybe its my way to escape from
things.. to clear my head.. to be away from things so
I can make up my mind on..but yea my uncle has to go
back to egypt.. more issues there to take care of..
and my mom said if I go with him she'll have him take
me umrah.. and inshaAllah, I'm hoping.. if all works
out.. we'll end up going egypt, then hajj.. its a
hope.. could very well end up in disapointment like
the past two times.. but who knows.. Allahu 'alaam
what will happen..
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chotu-meyeh
@ 10/17/2005 03:31:00 PM
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.:Saturday, October 01, 2005:.
upppdatee!
Its only been a week since I updated last.. feels alot
longer though. I suppose alot has happened..
To start off, the death of Abu Hafs exactly one week
from today. I've been around deaths a lot, been with
my mother when she washed bodies and the such.. but
nothing hit me as hard as this one ever. It was
different. I cant explain why, but its left a deep
impression on me. when things happen I try to see what
I can learn from it, there are numerous lessons from
this but to list a few
1. Death is a reality. It doesn't matter how old you
are or who you are, it will happen to you one day..
maybe soon, maybe not.. but are you ready for it? I
dont think I ever could be.
2.When you die all that is left is your good and bad
on earth. One thing I noticed is that in all of the
threads dedicated to him, not one person said
something bad about Abu Hafs. Everyone had a nice
thing to say about him. When you leave this earth all
that will be left is what you did here.. if you did
good you'll be remembered for it, and if you did bad
you will be remembered for it.
3. Sincerity is the key to everything. Another thing I
noticed is how many people mentioned his sincerity..
and subhanAllah it was seen in his death..
4.There is no way you an avoid Qadar. How many times
have we gone to the ocean or silver falls or some
place.. gone in way to deep.. and the parents get
upset at us.. and our answer would be "we know how to
swim". well so did Abu hafs.. not only that he was at
the edge.. and divers went in to save him.. but it was
his time to go and nothing could stop it.
5.If you care about someone don't put off telling them
or showing them. I learned this from my interaction
with people after his passing.. when they kept
expressing how much they wished they had been
different with him before.. how they wished they told
them how much they really did love them.. and so on..
and subhanAllah.. who really does know if you or the
other person will be alive tommorrow, so why should
you put off expressing your appreciation of them?
So yea, this was one of the more major things that
occured the past week.. other than that there were
some minor things..
I started uni on Monday. Its hard man.. not super
hard.. but hard.. or maybe I'm just not used to having
school work due. Alhamdulillah I'm done with all
asignments for this week, other than math. I really
can not wait to be done with this class and not have
to take another math class.
Ramadon is in a few days. I really really can not
believe it. I remember last Ramadon and it feels like
it was just yesterday.. we moved Hermiston mid Ramadon
last year.. hard to believe its been that long..
subhanAllah.
I might be spending this Ramadon at UmmAbdulQudoos's..
minus the weekends.. since her husband will be out of
town for 3 months, except weekends.. I'm still not
totally decided but I'm almost decided =P
Anyways, I must go do my math.. I've put it off long
enough.. :(
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@ 10/01/2005 01:26:00 PM
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