.:Thursday, May 12, 2005:.
marriage
Marriage.. Always a hot topic. And with summer around the corner the talk in this subject is at a record high. With those that want to get married, those that are, and those that have a family member who is, each having a different take on the subject. Often marriage is overlooked as something easy that “just happens”. People seem to forget all the details and extremely difficult decisions that both the bride and groom go through during this process. Lets take a look at some of the thoughts that a girl might go through during this time:
Picking the spouse
Ofcourse the first, and possibly one of the easier decisions, that you have to make is to choose the one you would like to marry. The first thing a girl must look into is the financial capabilities of the brother. Usually the way to figure out if he is to your liking in this aspect is to see how well he matches up with the husbands of your friends and cousins. As long as he is richer than all of them put together then it’s a green light for you to go ahead with the proposal. The next thing you must look into is the guys looks. It’s a very very bad thing for your finance to be the talk of the town because his looks are average. It could ruin your reputation! So make sure he is in the “hot” category.
As long as you make sure the brother has these two qualities and you have made your decision its time to move on to the next step.
The Engagement
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After you have found someone to your liking it is time to make things a bit more formal. Its time for the engagement.
The engagement is often defined as the time when the guy presents the girl and her family with $1000’s worth of gifts and things. This is to show that he is serious about marrying the girl. The engagement is often marked by having a small party. You know just your family that lives within the country and some of your closer friends.
Although this party is rather small there is still a lot you need to do in preparation for it. The most important of these things is to find something suitable to wear. You should give yourself at least $1000 for dress, makeup, shoes, and jewelry.
The Mahr
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It is during the engagement that more important things are decided, such as the mahr. The mahr is an amount of money decided by the bride and her family that is paid to the bride by the groom. Although it is not uncommon for at least some of it to fall into the hands of the brides family. For this reason it is sometimes referred to as the amount you are to be “sold off” for.
It is your right to ask whatever you would like for your mahr. A mahr is considered good when it is at least 10x as much as your friends were paid for their mahrs. No matter what a girl should not agree to a mahr less than $5000, although a good – mediocre- mahr nowadays ranges from $10,000 - $50,000. This may very well be one of the more important decisions you make, so one should put a lot of thought and time into making it.
The Nikah
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Once the mahr is decided it is time to take the relationship to the next level. This is done through the nikaah, or marriage contract. Now that you have gotten your mahr and are financially secure for the rest of your life its time to legally bind the gu to you so he cant back out (not that he would after spending that much money anyway).
The nikaah is usually marked by having another party! This party is a tad bit bigger than the engagement. It is common practice to invite your relatives that live both in and out of the country, the local muslim community, your friends and their relatives. Depending on the amount of people attending you most likely will need to rent a banquette hall for this event.
As far as getting ready for this party you should need around $3000. About half of this should go on buying the perfect dress. The other half should be spent on accessories and getting your hair and make up professionally done. After all this will be the first time he gets to see you
The Wedding
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After the nikaah the next big step is to start planning for the wedding. This is the biggest event of all , and much thought should go into it.
The wedding consists of many details and preparations, but can easily be broken into two main categories; the walimah and that which comes before it.
*Girls night out
From the most important pre-walimah preparations is the “hennah party”. This party is for the bride and her friends. It is usually the best time to show off what you have in store for the walimah and where you plan on going for you honeymoon. Plan it carefully! The best hennah party is the one that makes your friends most envious of you.
*Walimah
The walimah is the climax of the wedding. After the walimah youa re considered a married woman and go off to live with your husband. But that’s not the most important thing about it is it?
-Where it should be held
It is common practice for the invitation to the walimah to be open to the world. For this reason it is important to decide on the perfect banquette hall or hotel to have it in. A good place to have it held at should cost nothing less than $10,000. Never agree to having it at a local masjid or park!! If you ever dare do this you will most defiantly never hear the end of it.
-What to wear
The next decisions you have to make is what you would like to wear to the walimah. Whatever you choose it must be more expensive and extravagant than what you wore for the nikaah and engagement and what your friends wore for their weddings.
Usually for the walimah you have the option of wearing a normal dress or going with a more traditional approach such as wearing a thoubh, lengha, or the equivalent to it in your culture.
No matter what you decide make sure it costs more than $7000. Although if you would really like to dazzle everyone you should go with something around $15,000. You’ll also need a few thousand for accessories, makeup, and hair.
Honeymoon
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Once the walimah is over its time to head out on your honeymoon. When deciding on this trip it is important to consult with your friends about where they would love to go but just cant. Most likely you will end up with a pretty big list. Choose the place that has the most unusual name and head to it!
The House
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It is a must for you to have a furnished house to come back to after the trip. Afterall you’re going to be tired and the last ting you’re going to want to put up with is your mother in law. Solve this problem by having the house ready before you leave on the trip.
Conclusion
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In your eyes you’ve just spent the best year of your life. You’ve beat all your friend in every aspect and now everyone is in envy of you. You’ve put your husband in debt, and turned his family against him. And you couldn’t be happier right?
Ok, jokes and sarcasm aside, there are a few points I do want to make. The first is that although a lot of what I said before was exaggerated its not totally untrue. And its sad. It is not uncommon for a girl to base her decision when picking a husband solely on his financial capabilities and looks without considering how he is as a person. A lot of times they will regret these decisions a few years down the line when his true colors show to them.
It is also common today to ask for to high of mahrs, demand to much from the husband to be, and spend way to much on one day of enjoyment. What is the point of this? At the end it ends up hurting the girl because she has burdened her husband with so much and after the marriage his burden is her burden. Not to mention how many good brothers have to walk away from a proposal they want because they can’t afford it.
Same goes for not agreeing to live with your inlaws after marriage. I do not think I have seen anything bring up as much controversy in all of the marriage talk. And its really rare when I meet a girl that says she wouldn’t mind it. I guess I’m just different in this aspect, because I think I’d actually enjoy it.
The next point I want to make is that marriage isn’t everything and its not easy! A lot of girls and I mean A LOT think and wish of nothing more than to get married within the near futures. They think it will solve all their problems and that they will live happily ever after. But they fail to realize all the responsibility that comes with marriage.
A friend of mine who has been married for almost three years now saw me and another friend arguing this point, her advice to us was “don’t worry or think about it to much. Before you know it you’ll be married and wishing you had your free time back. So enjoy the time while you have it.” Ever since then that’s pretty much been my take on it. Just let it happen don’t worry about it to much.
Yes marriage is inshaAllah great, and yes I want it as much as the next person, but why worry about it and plan for it to much.. Its not easy either. Once you’re married you have a house to run and responsibility to take care of, and no matter how much training you’ve had at home its not enough. So ya.. that’s it really.. just felt like ranting.. couse I’ve been hearing to much talk about this stuff and it annoys me.
chotu-meyeh
@ 5/12/2005 05:40:00 PM
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