.:Wednesday, August 31, 2005:.
ah, yea.
Todays been ok alhamdulillah. It has sort of sucked,
but alhamdulillah. I havnt done much, nothing
intresting or worth mentioning. I'm still a bit moody
and a little more sick, walhamdulillah. I went errand
running with my mom earlier, wich I dont like doing
much. I didnt feel like going, but she wanted me with
her so yea I went.
I think I'm to much of a people pleaser. I'll go out
of my way to do things that are asked from me.. I'll
do anything to make someone happy even if what they
want or are asking from me goes against my wants. Alot
of times its a good thing. It brightens up my day to
put a smile on someones face or to make them happy..
but sometimes it can be a bad thing. People are users.
They'll use and abuse you. If they need something they
know where to go to ask, but if you need anything its
as if they dont know you. Not to mention how they'll
go behind you and stab you in the back. Alhamdulilah
'ala kulli haal. Those kind of people suck.
I'm also the type of person that will give 110% to a
relationship. I'll stay loyal to the person, never
hurt them intentionally, and dont see that there is a
problem to big that it cant be fixed to save the
realtionship. Nothing hurts as bad as when someone
decides "its not worth it" or maybe that it never
was.. and just breaks it for no reason. Maybe not
directly but indirectly, making sure I understand. Its
like all those years dont matter.. the whole thing
wasnt real.. When they needed you they hung around,
but once that need is elivated they're gone. And yea,
I'm talking about someone inspecific, and no its not
one of the ones that has the link to this.
Last night I was thinking about yeat another situation
and if its worth it to seek revenge. I even talked it
over with someone..If someone uses and abuses you
should you try and get them back? Will it really make
a diffrence? Will you gain anything from it? At the
end I decided not to... I'd probably end up hurting
myself because of the guilt I would feel.. If they
have indeed wronged me then my revenge is on yowmul
Qiyaamah.. and if I rise above their level and forgive
then inshaAllah I'll be rewarded. Revenge might be
sweet at first, but its not long before the taste
turns to bitter.
Having gone through one to many of these situations
I've become alot more anti social. I dont want to get
attached, so I dont get hurt. Most of my
relationships now are superficial.. "hi, how are yous"
.. if you need to talk I'll listen to your problems..
if you need to cry I'll give you my shoulder.. but I'm
not going to put my heart into it, so it doesnt get
broken later on when I find out you arent for reals.
They say that the walls we put up to keep out the
sadness often keep out the happiness, so I'm trying
not to put up walls. Fences will do :P. I still do
love and trust some people. And inshaAllah they'll
stay real.. and not switch.. couse that would hurt to
much. I still talk and share some of my thoughts with
some people.. I'm just more careful now who I keep my
secrets with..
I've changed alot and I'm continuing to change. I dont
know how much I like the changes in me, but I'm not
quite sure how to stop them. I used to be very
outspoken.. popular.. social.. school hating.. active
person. One of my friends once said, in discribing me
and another friend, "those two are crazy, they're like
the jocks of the group". Now I'm more like the "nerd"
of the group.
I'm a loner, I like to keep to myself. Its rare I'll
sit with the girls anymore. Usually I'll just sit in
the dars.. and after the dars I go around say salaams
talk here and there a little.. and then just hang
around my mom till we leave. Its not that I dont love
them anymore, I do.. we just dont see eye to eye. I
really dont want to hear about how you spent 100 bucks
on some perfume.. or what store has what sale.. I
never really have liked listening to this kind of
talk, but I used to stick around anyway.. now I'm just
like whatever, I really could care less if they think
I'm stuck up for not listening to the ten best places
to shop list... or how ugly so and so singer is..
All I want is to focus in on my studies now. That by
itself is a shock. I always would tell my mom that I
didnt want to do any more studying after HS and if I
did it wouldnt be for a while. I cant wait to begin
school again.. even now I spend alot more time reading
or looking up things than I did before... I'm not as
outspoken anymore either.. I just sit quietly and
listen.. its rare when I'll say anything.. I dont take
things for face value anymore, I'm always looking for
the deeper meaning.. sometimes I think I look to far..
I'm just alot diffrent.. I dont know if others are
noticing it.. my mom is a little.. but I can feel the
changes in me.
Maybe they're due to the depression phase I'm going
through? I have so much that I'm trying to come to
peace with inside myself that I'm not caring much for
whats around me.. In a way I see that as true.. I've
been thinking alot more about "what can I do for me"..
how can I better myself.. how can i make myself
happy.. how can I prepair for whats coming.. and so
on.. I used to never think much about that before.. I
guess I'm also using school as a way of keeping myself
busy and boosting my confidence.. since alhamdulillah
I'm usually good at it, so its a way of accomplishing
things and building self esteem.
I still have my joking, witty, fun side to me.. but
its overshadowed by my more serious and deep side. I
think its sort of good for me now.. having fun is good
and all, but it wont help me in the things I need
right now. Whenever I had a problem or something went
wrong for me before I'd try to cover it with jokes and
stuff.. and at the time Id think I was feeling ok. But
it would re surface later on, because I never took
care of it.. just put it aside..
I'm going through alot of internal battles right now.
So much has changed and is changing. In me, in life,
in my friends, in my family, in my dreams, in my
goals, in what I thought the future would hold. I have
no doubt in my mind that whatever happens is what is
best but it doesnt change the fact of how hard it can
be at times. Sometimes it feels like I'm on the brink
of insanity, but alhamdulillah I find a way to keep it
together. I'm doing good I think. Im doing a good job
of keeping it on the down low.. except for when I
complain about things to someone, the state I'm in
isnt noticble. And I'm happy about that. So
Alhamdulillah.. Alhamdulillah.. Alhamdulillah, till
the day we die.
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chotu-meyeh
@ 8/31/2005 07:18:00 PM
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