.:Wednesday, August 17, 2005:.
Allahu 'aalam...
When I came to my blog this morning and re-read that
test thing I was just like wow us girls can be so
guilble. A bunch of us (yes more than me, yasi, umq)
are taking it as if its some big thing. And thats how
it is with alot of these online quizes and things...
its pretty pthetic man.. especially when you look at
the questions "what kind of animal would you be"
etc...
Its freezing today. I have a sweater on, I cant even
remember the last time I had to wear one. Its rainy,
muggy, and cold. Yesterday was extremely hot so its
sort of wierd.. I suppose our wave of summer heat is
over here in the valley and its time to get used to
our usual rainy weather again?
I spoke with my mom about my egypt idea. I hadnt
planned on telling her about it so soon but things
came up and I did.. Its not the first time we've
brought something like this up, for a while we were
talking about me going there for 4 years and doing
uni.. this seems more practicle though. She was pretty
supportive of it. She said to go there see how I like
it and if thats what I wanted to do it, but that she
would miss me ;(.
I told her about the Qurtoba programs stucko told me
about(http://www.qortoba.com/alex.html) and she
thought it was a good idea especially if we would be
taking it together. I asked her how far it was from my
aunt that lives in my grandma's house is since that is
where I'd probably be living and she goes "its sort of
far, but your other aunt lives in miami (me ya me, not
my am ee :P) except shes in saudia during the school
year, hmm you probably could still stay there though"
I was like "WHAT? you mean alone, no way!" she was
like "I never said that" so I repeated what she said
and she goes "dont pick at my words or you wont be
going at all!" *sigh I have to pick at someone dont I
? And the one I used to is gone :(
When my mom told my dad what my uncle said he flipped
out and said no. That we cant go and then went on a
rant about how we werent behaving right and were being
diffrent with him. At the end he goes "if you want
maryam to go she can, I have no say in it but karima
isnt going.". :(
In a way he is right though. She has become a bit
bratty with him. Although she'll go down and eat and
pray with him and if he calls her she'll answer... she
doesnt do anything else with him. I have told her
before that its not right and no matter what its her
father and she has to treat him well.. but sometimes
its hard to blame her.. shes reached a point where she
doesnt feel like being around him.. and what I find
ironic is him blaming the kid instead of blaming
himself and saying "what did I do to cause her to be
this way."
I cant say I'm free of blame as well, since I havnt
spoken to him in a little over a month. I know its
wrong, at least I think it is, but I just cant. If I
appologize and try to move on with things normally in
another couple weeks I'll be in the same shoes. She
keeps saying "if you're not talking to him why do I
have to?" and I cant really explain my answer to well
to her. For starters he has never layed his hand on
her or treated her in an extremly bad way.. second, he
is her father and has waayyy more rights on her than
he does me.. third, he didnt really do anything for
her to cut him off whilst he wronged me and continues
to do so..
I dont know man, family is a mess :(. Dad begged my
mom not to go through with the divorce even though he
knows she has full right to. She decided to give it
another try since they supposedly reached an agreement
where he promised to change in certain ways and
promised to seperate for a while at least. He hasnt
gone through with any of the promises... and mom still
wants out but isnt sure what to do.. and as I said I'm
not speaking with him and hes upset at sister.. ahh
khair inshaAllah.
I told my mom I wouldnt go with khalu unless Karima
goes. I cant break the girls heart more than it
already is. My mom said that was good but that I
really needed to stop putting everyones feelings and
well being before mine. I cant help it man. I think
about the affect my actions or decisions will have on
people to much and I think thats why its so hard for
me to keep my mind made up. I dont know though.. I
love her.. and I dont want to hurt her more than she
is or leave her to be alone in hard times..
Allahu 'aalam.. more things to sort through and think
about.. and more to do istikhaara on. Like I told
UmmQaylah yesterday, "I may not be able to keep my
mind made up for more than five minutes, but my
circumstances make it impossible for me to keep it
made for more than thirty seconds". and thats true
man.. I cant keep my mind made up.. but at the same
time everything that keeps happening makes it harder
for me to.
'ala kulli haal, to end on a brighter note; I love you
UmmQaylah. maaaannnn I read the post up on your blog
and it made me smile. Alhamdulilah I am glad that I
was able to be of help to you, and likewise you have
been of help to me. I had wanted to post last night
and thank you for that, but I didnt feel all that up
to it.
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chotu-meyeh
@ 8/17/2005 09:43:00 AM
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