.:Monday, August 22, 2005:.
mixed thoughts..
subhanAllah... so much has happened and is happening..
I havnt been online for a while now.. and I'm not
really sure where to start.. I'm beyond depressed..
but alhamdulilah 'ala kulli haal.
To start off, my parents are seperating. My dad is out
of town today and tommorrow, and then he is leaving
wendsday. There are alot of reasons for this, from the
most obvious whats been happening the past month.
There is way to much tension at home and nothing is
normal.. My mom agreed to giving it another try... and
they both agreed to seperate for a while at least.. so
my dad accepted a promotion in another city.
I love my dad alot.. maybe I'm crazy.. but I do.. I
dont want him to leave :( and I really didnt want him
to leave when we were on bad terms.. I went down
yesterday to try and work things out.. I dont think I
have ever cried that much in front of anyone before. I
cried for the whole time I was down.. over an hour..
he cried too. I cant remember all that was said.. but
I remember how bad it hurt and how painful it was.
He didnt yell once.. but the words he said and the way
he said it hurt like anything... he made me feel
guilt.. so much man.. for everything.. practicly
blamed all that was happening on me.. and then he
advised me alot.. and then he went back to say how
much he loved me, and how me and him were so
close..how proud he was of me, and of the things I've
done in life..that he wanted me happy and if there was
something I wanted to let my parents know about it and
they would help me in it.. it was so weird.. if I
didnt know better I'd say it wasnt him talking. All I
did was cry. I didnt know what to say. I did my part
and appologized. I told him I didnt want him to leave
while he was mad at me. At the end I just went
upstairs, changed and layed down.. I felt so weak, and
had the worst headache I've had ever.. Allah ya
samihnee, but I didnt get up untill fajr this
morning.. and at fajr I was barly able to pray isha
and fajr and go back to sleep.
I cant be perfect. I'm sorry. I try my hardest to live
up to everyones expectations but sometimes they have
them set way to high. So I made a mistake, is it
unforgivable? And of what magnitude is the mistake I
made compared to those of his sons.. and look how he
is with them! Pretty much what he is holding against
me is that I met some friends online, and didnt change
after he caught me speaking to them last time. Big
deal!!! subhanAllah. I understand him being upset that
I amnt honest with him and my mom and things like
that, but I am. My mom knows EVERYTHING about my life.
I dont hide anything from her.. I talk to her about
everything.. why dont I talk to him about things?
because hes unresonable.
There is only so much a girl can take.. and wallah I
cant even think straight now. I'm an emotional mess..
with my parents seperation, my problems with dad, my
feelings of rejectoin, pains of seperation, confusion
with what I want, worries about people I love, and
everything else.. I've just hit one of the lowest lows
I've felt in my life.
I dont think it has been all bad for me though. I
think it has brought me back to reality a bit. I think
alot of girls fall into a mistake of living in a
fantasy world when things get hard... that something
is going to dramaticly change in their life and all
will be better.. or someone is going to come ask for
them, they'll get married and live happily ever after.
I know I'm not alone in having had these kind of
thoughts since I talk alot with others and try my best
to help them out.. And I know for a fact when that
doesnt happen, or when it seems like it will then
doesnt, it hurts like anything.
All of whats going and and what I'm feeling has gotten
me to snap out of that world. And alhamdulilah, I'm
not taking things with dispare like I usually do..
this time I'm taking in a more posative way. I'm over
the feeling sorry for my self stage. Sulking around
wont make things better, the only thing that will make
things better is for me to work on myself. I've been
trying to for a longish time now, and alhamdulilah I
am progressing... maybe not as much or as fast as I
would like, but I'm getting there. I wont deny it, I
have alot of things wrong with me, and I'm trying my
best to work on them one by one.. so that one day,
inshaAllah, I'll be a better person..
That being said, it doesnt change the fact that I
still feel so down.. but I'm trying my best to keep it
on the low key. If there is one thing I hate its
showing that I'm feeling this way. I think I'm doing a
good job fronting.. Its a bit obvious that I'm not
normal though. Even today at the masjid it was
noticable.. but alhamdulilah I'm trying.. and if its
showing its not showing alot.. these are things I need
to come to peace with myself.. that I need to worry
about alone.. I dont need others to get worried or
anything about me.. couse inshaAllah I'll be fine..
I've felt down before, maybe not to this degree, but I
was able to get through it alhamdulilah.. and
inshaAllah I'll get through it this time as well..
just give me some time.
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chotu-meyeh
@ 8/22/2005 03:47:00 PM
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