.:Thursday, August 25, 2005:.
thoughts on marriage...
yea yea, I know most of you are probably going "oh
great not this topic again". And I know I probably
bring it up way to much, but hey its my blog and I can
write whatever I want!
I most likly wouldnt have brought it up today if it
wasnt for something that took place during the day..
Had I followed my emotions that were telling me "ohh
you cant hurt them!, oh they're being so sweet, oh
they're making you feel good" and a bunch of other BS
I would have made a totally wrong choice that would
have hurt not only me but a few others. So while
sitting on the kitchen counter taking care of the food
that was cooking I thought about this "situation" and
others.. and it lead me to think about alot of what I
am about to post..
Marriage is something girls start to think about when
they are really young.. I'd say the average is 13, and
more seriously when they are around 15. Thirteen
sounds pretty young, but when you look at the at age
that girls start "dating" in this society its around
that age.. not to mention all the talk you hear, if
you are from certain cultures, about how so and so
married at 11.. and so and so had her first kid at
14... etc. And even to this day I know people that
were engaged at 11 and married at 13, and they lived
in the states...
I dont think it is a bad thing to start thinking of it
at that age.. to plan for it.. ready yourself for it
and so on. But I think that most girls, especially the
ones in the west, have this false view of marriage.
Alot of them think of it in the Cinderella and Snow
White context. That its something easy.. thats some
prince charming is going to come and you will live
happily ever after with him forever. Even the ones
that may see the difficulty of it in their own homes
think "oh its just my parents, I'm not going to be
like that". They see it as an easy way out of whatever
problems they might have.. and that they are ready for
it from the first day the thought of getting married
crosses their mind.
Although there is love and all that mushy stuff in
marriage thats not all what its about.. and alot of
these girls find out the hard way. Marriage isnt all
about cooking and cleaning either.. there is alot more
that goes into it...
I was thinking about all the responsibilities that go
along with marriage, and you know I'm not so sure I am
ready.. I'm not so sure you ever can be fully ready.
Yes, inshaAllah I can keep a house clean.. Yes,
inshaAllah I can cook.. but I am ready for the harder
things in a marriage? Am I ready to deal with
diffrences and not letting them mess up a
relationship? Am I ready to sacrifice my own desires
to make someone else happy? Am I ready to give all I
have for someone else? Am I ready to not let my pride
lead to the escalation of an argument? Am I ready to
be the confident and protector of someones secrets?
And am I ready to raise a family?
To be honest, I dont know. Although I would like to
hope I am, there is no way of telling untilll the time
actually comes.. untill you are put in the situation.
For now I can work on myself and try to prepair myself
for it, but how can you prepair yourself for something
that you can not comprehend at this time?
There is also the issue of inlaws and a new life. Even
if you know the family you are marrying into, there is
no way you will know them well enough to be able to
"become" one of them easily. There will always be the
challenge of wanting to please them and make them
happy.. Also if you marry someone from a diffrent city
or community you will have to adjust to a new place..
new people.. new family.. its just a huge huge
adjustment and step to take.
I'm not against marrying young, quite the contrary,
I'm all for it.. I just think that you should have a
good understanding of what you are getting yourself
into before getting into it. Alhamdulilah I know of
alot of young marriages that went well, but there are
also the ones that had their problems. I know a
sister, mashaAllah 'alayha.. may Allah swt protect her
and grant her all good.. she married young, younger
than I am now, and she had a son almost immediatly..
she wasnt ready for it.. and alot of the raising of
her son was left to her mother.. to the point that now
her son loves being with her mom more than her. Its
been a few years now, shes grown and has more
experiance and mashaAllah is expecting her second
child now.. and she told me that although she is happy
to have had a son and to be married, she was surprised
but the amount of responsibility..
Another thing is, in my opinion, alot of the girls
that are dying to get married are like that because of
emotions. They want to feel wanted, to feel liked, to
feel acceptance, to feel accomplishment, and so on.
This causes them to agree to almost anyone, without
looking to deeply into who it is that they are
marrying. When looking at who you are marrying, one
has to look at more than just now.. they have to look
at the future.. that this will be the man that
inshaAllah you live with for the rest of your life..
that he will be the father of your children... and
that everything you do from then on will be joint
effort...
A sis was once joking around in one of the forums
sisters section and said something along the lines of
"I refuse to get married because of my hormones and
emotions! So I'll wait till I get old" or something
along those lines. At the time I thought she was
crazy, but when I thought about it I saw some truth in
what she said. Although I dont agree with waiting till
you're old to get married just so you dont marry based
on emotions and such.. I do see why someone would want
to wait and make sure the choice they are making is
the correct one and not just because they have
"feelings" for so and so.. like I said before, a
marriage is meant to be for life, so one should put
alot of thought into who it is they marry...
I really dont know when I will marry... Would I turn
someone down if they came now? No, not on the basis
that "I'm not ready". Because honestly I do not
believe you can ever be totally ready. So Allahu
'aalam, I could marry within this week, or within this
year, or maybe even in ten years. I do know one thing
though, I'm not going to rush into anything. I am
going to take my time in this matter. Not because I am
picky but because when I marry, I want the man to be
the one I stay with forever. Someone that helps me
raise a good strong muslim family. Someone that
inshaAllah I can help in doing good, and that he can
help me in doing good. And inshaAllah I want the
marriage to be a means of entering us both in jannaat
al firdaws.
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chotu-meyeh
@ 8/25/2005 09:44:00 PM
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