I miss the days when I was innocent.. when things were simple and I wasn't bound by all this confusion. I miss simplicity. I miss the days when I could act myself and not worry about what people think. I miss the old days.. I miss how I used to be.

 

The more things change the more they stay the same. I read that line for the first time a few years ago in my cousins AIM profile. I didn't understand it at the time. I thought it sounded like an oxymoron. How could something change AND stay the same? Since I liked the way it sounded I used it wherever I thought it fit. It wasn't untill a couple years passed that I really, truly, understood what it meant. It wasn't untill things started to change in my life and my relations with others that I saw the truth in the statment.

 

As much as we would like things to stay the same, stay perfect, they don't. Throughout the past couple years I have changed alot. I have gone through alot..and in the midst of it all I think I have lost who I really am and who I wanted to be. There are only a few people that I am able to be myself with. I can count these people on one hand. With the rest I have walls up. Walls built of lies that I hide behind. Some people are able to see through these walls and know who I really am even though I try not to show it to them. Only Allah swt knows how much I regret doing this.

 

I have wondered for the longest time what has caused me to build these walls. The closest I have gotten to an explanation is my fear of rejection. I did not stop to think of the consiquenses. I only thought of the time being and not the long term affects.

 

Now that time has passed and some of my emotions have calmed, I am able to look back and assess things. I am not pleased with myself nor what I have done. I have taken resolves to change. I have decided that the best way to live is to live in honesty. I hope that it is not to late and that the damage I have done is reparable.

 

I have taken many chances that I wouldnt have liked to take. I have made many mistakes I wish I did not make. Alhamdulillah I have learned alot from these experiances but they have left me with voids that need to be filled and things I need to accept.

 

I have finally been able to come to peace with myself regarding different issues. I have finally realized where I went wrong and what I need to do to make things right. It won't be easy to overcome certain things but I have finally stopped thinking with my emotions instead of mind. Life isn't a path lined with roses, if I do not learn to overcome obstacles now how will I overcome harder ones in the future?

 

In a way I have given up on ever attaining true happiness in this life. Any happiness that is attained in this life is only temporary. There is only one way to attain any happiness and contentment in this dunya; through the deen of Allah swt and having true eeman. All I want is to work as hard as I can so that, inshaAllah, in the eternal life I will be granted happiness.

 

Alhamdulillah I have finally been able to break chains that once held me down and bound me to things I wished to be free of. I have finally been able to forgive all and no longer feel envy, jelousy, or any type of negative feeling towards anyone. I have come to accept that whatever is meant for me will not miss me and whatever is not meant for me will not happen to me. My life, and heart, is in the hands of Allah swt. There is no point in being upset when we really do not know what is best for ourselves.

 

I know I have wanted to change many times before but inshaAllah this time I will really go through with it. May Allah swt make it easy for me, grant me tawfeeq, and help me surround myself with those that help me stay mindful of him..aameen.

 

To live a life of honesty in the service of my parents and my deen..striving my utmost to attain true happiness in the life of eternity; in Jannah. This is what I long for and what I hope to accomplish.