Life bites.. A friend of mine had that next to her MSN name for a few weeks. Every time I read it I'd roll my eyes and smile, thinking of how a summer full of organic chemistry classes can drive just about anyone crazy. But the more I think of that phrase now the more it makes sense to me. Not only that, I actually feel it. Life bites..and when it bites it leavs a scar.
There are things that happen in life that leave you "bitten". The severity of the bite depends on how fortunate you are and how strong you are to fight it. Sometimes you never heal from it..kinda like a poisonus bite that will always leave you with a trace of poison in your system. Eventually, though, the wound will start to heal. Sometimes there will be a scar that people can notice for a while but then it either goes away or they stop noticing. Sometimes you'll forget about it as well. But if it was strong enough and if it hurt enough you probably will always look at that scar and remember how and where you got it.
I have quite a few scars. There's the one I got when I was 6 and fell off of a bike into a ditch. Theres the one I got 5 years ago when I was in San Diego and went to Mission Bay with my dad, his cousin and her family. There are the burn scar I have from a couple summers back when we had the girls halaqahs. And then I have life scars.. Like feeling abandoned and wondering what might've, would've or could've been. Like losing a best friend because of someones jealousy. Like being betrayed and losing trust in people.
All these scars are a part of who I am today. Even though it's been hard sometimes and even though it hurted like hell sometimes I think I've done well alhamdulillah. I've grown stronger..both physicaly and in the deeper, non-pyshical, way.
Now, the thing is (and yes this is the point I've been leading up to), I see this blow that's coming really soon and I know it will leave a scar..a scar that will last my whole life..a really bitter-sweet scar. I dont know if I can handle this scar. I really think it might be to much for me. This scar that I'm talking about is this summer coming to the end. It's bitter-sweet because I've had some amazing days. Amazing yet absolutly horrible and hard. It would of been all worth it and I wouldnt classify the end of this summer as a "scar" if I had reached the goal I was working towards. But I didn't and now...its time for me to go back home..back to reality.
This brings me to my next thought. Have you ever wanted something so bad that you didn't mind risking everything you have for it? That you became selfish for the first time in your life and thought of only yourself? And then once that thing slips away you realize what you've done and how now you need to put just as much energy into fixing the mess you made as you did into messing things up.
I'm not in anyway saying that this summer was a mistake or that fighting for what I wanted was wrong and I know if I was given the chance to go back and do things differently I wouldnt. This summer has been amazing and I have some of the most amazing memories from it. Maybe even some of the best times of my life. All I'm saying is it hurts.
Yes, I'm admitting it (I guess there's a first time for everything, eh?). I'm hurting. And I'm angry. And I feel let down. As far as why I'm hurting..well its no ones business but at least I know why. I just wish I was as clear on who/what I'm angry at and who I feel let down by. I know I'm angry at myself and I feel like I've let others down but the rest is a blurr. I'm just mad at everyone.
At the end of the day its all in the hands of Allah (swt). It's all writen. It's all our qadar. I know that and I accept that. InshaAllah there is good in all that happens and all that has happened. And I know that inshaAllah I'll be alright..its just going to take some time to get used to the scar.
Comments:
As-Salaamu 'Alaykum Wa Rahmatullaah,
SubHana-Allaah. I was in tears throughout this whole post. I may not know exactly what you're talking about but thats why it really hurts me because I was not there for you when you needed me the most.
You have probably been through so much more this summer than I have in my entire life and it shows how strong you truly are. You are several years younger than me but the reason I have never let go of you (even though we drifted at times) is because I see the great amount of emaan you have and the will you have to survive. Its not a characteristic everyone possess. Its a trait that people seek in friends so that we can learn from people like yourself. I ask Allaah to always protect you and grant you what is best for you dunyah and akhirah.
If there is anything I can ever do for you, please please please, I beg you...let me know. I have always looked at you like my baby sister. I could not allow my sister to endure such pain while I please myself. Insha-Allaah, you are and will remain in my du'a.
Take Care of yourself.
Was-Salaamu 'Alaykum Wa Rahmatullaah.
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SubHana-Allaah. I was in tears throughout this whole post. I may not know exactly what you're talking about but thats why it really hurts me because I was not there for you when you needed me the most.
You have probably been through so much more this summer than I have in my entire life and it shows how strong you truly are. You are several years younger than me but the reason I have never let go of you (even though we drifted at times) is because I see the great amount of emaan you have and the will you have to survive. Its not a characteristic everyone possess. Its a trait that people seek in friends so that we can learn from people like yourself. I ask Allaah to always protect you and grant you what is best for you dunyah and akhirah.
If there is anything I can ever do for you, please please please, I beg you...let me know. I have always looked at you like my baby sister. I could not allow my sister to endure such pain while I please myself. Insha-Allaah, you are and will remain in my du'a.
Take Care of yourself.
Was-Salaamu 'Alaykum Wa Rahmatullaah.
# posted by 
: 8/27/2006 10:41 PM
: 8/27/2006 10:41 PM
